Wordy Wednesday: Cringeworthy

Welcome to another edition of Wordy Wednesday. Today, I have a special Halloween story that I've prepared for your reading enjoyment using some of the best and worst Urban Dictionary selections ever! 

Sporking - The act of spooning with the addition of an erection.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up

My rating: Thumbs Down

See now, this is where Urban Dictionary gains an educational value for me because I always thought that sporking was getting it on while in the spooning position. Now, that I know the real meaning I’m sure you all can understand why I’m disappointed!

“Sounds like my first time” - "That's what he/she said." the phrase "sounds like my first time" can be used in lieu. By definition this refers to the first time one person has engaged in intercourse.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up

My Rating: Thumbs Up

OMG!! It works! It works!! I even used it the other day when Peter said, “It’s too big for the hole,” I spotted my golden opportunity to try this phrase out and I piped up with, “Sounds like my first time!!” It was AWESOME!! The look on his face was priceless!! Of course, I may have wanted to try this phrase out on somebody other than the boss’s son, but when an opportunity like that comes your way you can’t just let it slip by you!! OMG! THAT sounds like my first time too!!!

Food Boner - when one becomes aroused at the sight of food. Happens in anticipation of a good meal.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Down

My rating: Thumbs Down

Now maybe if I was a dude, I might find this term a little more likable – but probably not. Nobody wants to hear a cross reference to some dude’s package and the meal they are about to eat. (I realize there are some guy’s out there whose dreams are being crushed with this disclosure of information, but it is largely true.)

Cringeworthy – When somebody does something worthy of a cringe.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up

My Rating: Thumbs Up

This definitely works for me, probably because my BFF was the first one to introduce me to the word while accurately using it in a sentence regarding her ex. She said, “I find So&So cringeworthy, even when he hasn’t done anything.” Ouch! She’s one mean bitch!!

Counterfriends - The complete strangers you talk to at a house party who are assembled around the neutral, alcohol friendly zone of the kitchen counter. Like you, they may know only a few people at the party, including the super-mingling host, and are looking for counterfriends.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Down

My Rating: Thumbs Down

Ok, let’s face it. You must have to be a real loser in order to find frequent use for this term. I’ll admit it, I have had counterfriends before, but it is the exception not the norm! I think if you accept this term into your vocabulary you might as well just stamp a giant L on your forehead!!

Now, for everybody’s favorite part of Wordy Wednesday, I shall amaze you with my ability to weave these wonderful words into a careful crafted piece of fiction!!

I was curled up on the couch spooning with my boyfriend, when I felt a growing stiffness pressing into my back side.

“Carl?” I asked.

“Yeah, babe,” he answered dreamily.

“Are we spooning or sporking?”

There was a moment of undecided silence.

“Sporking,” he admitted woefully.

“I thought we agreed we were going to wait?”

“I know. We did. It’s just… it’s just…”

“Just what?”

“It’s just I’m a guy and we can’t go that long without sex,” Carl whined.

I got up from the couch exasperated.

“I’m going to Jenny’s party. You coming?”

“No, I think I’m just going to stay here and have some alone time with my Vaseline,” Carl sulked.

I was ready and at the party in record time. I entered the party alone scanning the crowd for a familiar face. Seeing it was a costume party, I found none. So I made my way over to the alcohol friendly zone – the kitchen counter.

I smiled and said hello to the skeleton and the nurse standing in close proximity.

The centerpiece, an enormous bowl of French Onion dip surrounded by mounds of golden salty chips, caught my eye and gave me an immediate food boner. I selected a chip and was scooped a healthy portion from the bowl. The dip was a delightful mix of tangy spices that played a cheerful melody across my tongue. I couldn’t help but wonder why nobody else was enjoying this amazing dip.

“Wow, have you tried this?” I asked the nurse.

She made a peculiar face and was about to say something when something completely cringeworthy happened. A four foot gargoyle ran up to the bowl of dip and sank his middle three fingers knuckle deep into the dip.

I watched in disgust as he licked the dip from his fingers and then plunged them back into the bowl. He repeated this three times before his mother, the witch, saw him and spoke up.

“Anthony! What did I tell you about doing that?”

She came over and dragged him away by his tail as he crawled and screamed to stay within reach of the French onion dip.

I felt the remnants of the chip I had previously eaten slide down my throat.

“He’s been doing that all night,” said the nurse.

The half eaten chip halted in its path down my esophagus and began to resend back into my mouth. I reached for the nearest napkin and spit the contents of my mouth into it.

The skeleton began laughing at my misfortune. The nurse shot him a dirty look and he stifled his chuckle.

We immediately began a conversation about unruly children and irresponsible parenting. We began bonding over the mishap and I resigned to being counterfriends with the skeleton and the nurse for the remainder of the night.

“And he couldn’t use just one finger, he had to use three!!” proclaimed the nurse.

“Sounds like my first time,” I said nonchalantly as flipped my beer cap between my finger tips.

I looked up into their silent gaping faces and wondered if I had made a major misjudgment in counterfriend humor.

It was the skeleton that broke the silence first, with a gut busting belly laugh. I smiled thinking that I liked my counterfriends better than my boyfriend.