I Am From

I was just going through some of my old writing clips and I found this I AM FROM poem that I wrote in 2007. It was part of a writing assignment I completed. The idea behind it is you cannot be a great writer until you are in touch with who you really are. I think the universe let me stumble upon this because I needed to be reminded that I am not lost as long as I remember where I am from. The fun thing about it is anyone can write an I AM FROM poem and they will all come out so different. Here is mine. I look forward to seeing yours!!

I Am From

I am from Jim and Joyce, Clifford and Evelyn, Sandra and Joel.

I am from central Maine where the trees crowd out the horizon,

I am from the edge of the land where the ocean kisses the sky,

I am from whoopee pies and lobster legs,

I am from “Waste not, want not,” and “Because I said so that’s why!”

I am from moose, loons and bears, and seagulls, crabs and starfish,

I am from Dukes of Hazard, The Brady Bunch and Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood,

I am from fairness, loneliness, determination, hope and faith,

I am from home grown vegetables stored in jars on basement shelves,

I am from “Where there’s a will there’s a way!”

I am from Coke in a bottle and candy cigarettes,

I am from surviving harsh New England winters by making every penny count,

I am from air filled with the sweet scent of tobacco smoked from a corn cob pipe,

I am from soldiers who fought in wars and wives that waited anxiously for their return,

I am from working third shift at the mill because it was the only way to make ends meet,

I am from black raspberry ice cream eaten by the lake on sunny afternoons,

I am from “Ally-ally-oxen-free” and “No tag backs,”

I am from Puritans that were tried as witches and the priests that condemned them,

I am from handmade quilts, hand-me-downs, and patches in the knees,

I am from blue faces traveling through cow pastures in mid-summer heat,

I am from Patsy Cline, Willy Nelson, Elvis and Madonna

I am from “Have You Seen the Muffin Man?” and “The Farmer in the Dell”

I am from yard sales, state fairs, thrift shops and church every Sunday,

I am from the 55 Chevy and the faded blue 1977 Buick Skylark,

I am from camp fires blazing up to reach Orion’s Belt,

I am from Tarzan ropes swinging out over the lake,

I am from Japanese lanterns hung from tree to tree,

I am from wild raspberries smeared over the lips of a child,

I am from pine needles, apple trees and earth worms,

I am from hen houses, out houses and tree houses,

I am from Tug of War, King of the Mountain and No Man’s Land,

I am from snowflakes caught on eagerly outstretched tongues,
I am from generations of men and women who had the will and found the way.

  

Saturday Humor

Welcome To My Nightmare

I've been very troubled lately, but I've also been told by the Minute Man that I am not allowed to share certain things here. What happens at home stays at home.

The good news is I had a great evening out at a dinner party with my friends. We talked a lot about meditation and the metaphysical world. I was completely intellectually stimulated!! One of the topics that came up was how often times after one starts to meditate on a regular basis their whole world starts to fall apart because they experience a shift in perspective. Huh! Go figure!!

My world has definitely been falling apart. Part of me is relieved, part of me is terrified and part of me is deeply saddened. When I'm under stressful conditions such as these I start having this reoccuring nightmare. I started having it right after I divorced my first husband.

It comes and goes and always varies slightly but never really changes very much. I've talked to both my physician and my therapist about it. My therapist says its a fear of feeling out of control of something. My physician says its from anxiety and it is manifesting itself as a panic attack when I sleep.

I've debated on blogging about this tonight because the way I see it only one of two things can happen. A) I feel better for getting it off my chest and sleep soundly tonight or B) I start thinking about it and have another episode of the nightmare tonight. What can I say? I feel like gambling!

I am asleep soundly in my bed when I am awakened by a dark presence circling my bed. I open my eyes and slowly I am able to distinguish a darker darkness in the corner of my bedroom. Something is watching me. 

I call the demon out, telling it I know its there. I demand that it leave, but it only grows stronger and closes the distance between me and it. Red eyes glow in the darkness and a coldness turns  my blood to ice. 

I can't move my legs. I can't move anything. All I can do is sit there in bed and watch this evil demon hover over my body laughing in my face.

I scream, "In the name of Jesus Christ I demand you to leave!"

It never works. I scream this over and over again until I lose control of my voice. 

Pretty soon I am screaming those words in a voice that is not my own and I realize that the demon is inside of me, mocking me by shouting out those words in his own voice through my mouth. 

I start praying to God that I will wake up. Please wake up, please wake up!! Please wake up before it gets your soul too!

I wake up, heart racing, body still frozen and unable to move. The only movement is the rapid rise and fall of my chest and my eyes which frantically search the room for the dark invader. 

My brain begins to rationalize. It's only a dream, it's only a dream. You're okay. Everything is okay. After a few minutes of rationalization and talking myself down from the panick ledge, I'm able to scramble out of bed and flip on the light. 

Even with the lights on and having regained the full use of my limbs my heart continues to slam against my chest. The rest of the night is usually lost depending on the severity of the dream. Sometimes it takes me an hour to get back to sleep sometimes two, sometimes I just get up and start drinking away the fear.

7 True Statements About Me

I want to thank one of my favorite bloggers over at Not About Cake for tagging me with these cheerful flowers. She's one funny gal who can always brighten my day with her witty stories!! If you like to smile, you should go check her out!!



The rules are pretty simple, which is good because my brain hasn't been operating at full capacity this week.

* Copy and paste this award to your blog
* Thank and link to the person that tagged you with it.
* List 7 facts about yourself
* Give the award to 5 other bloggers and tell them they have it.

(It was supposed to be 15 but that seemed like a lot of work and seeing I'm used to make the rules up as I go I changed it to five. Sorry! I just roll like that!)

Now for my Seven Deadly Sins (err I mean facts)

• I once flew across the country from Maine to Seattle to meet some guy I met on the Internet. I spent New Year's Eve with him in the city and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

• I fractured my tailbone by jumping off a very high bridge on a cold May evening into freezing rapids below. No, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was trying to impress a boy.

• I had a New Kids on the Block poster on my bedroom wall when I was twelve. I thought Donny had it going on.

• My father started smoking pot with me and getting me drunk when I was twelve. (I guess that probably explains a lot for many of you that read my blog.)

• I watched a horse give birth when I was six. I remember watching the colt fall and get back up over and over again until finally he was able to stand on his own. We named him Tumbleweed.

• I won a statewide competetion in seventh grade because my English teacher thought I had talent and submitted one of my stories into the contest. I won a week's writing course at Bate's college. It was pretty cool because I got to stay there at the dorm like a real college student!!

• One time I called up my current boyfriend crying and hysterical over something terrible that had happened. He showed up within minutes at my doorstep with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a hacket in the other and asked me which one the situation called for. It was one of the most touching gestures anyone has ever made for me.

Now I'm going to pay it forward in no particular order:

This and That (As I Bounce Thru' Life)

Living in Pleasantville

Another Day of Crazy

Nicely Composed

The Many Faces of Me

So This is IT?

Well the Chopra 21 Day Meditation Challenge came to an end this week and I feel that I should report my overall experience was not what I expected. I expected to be enlightened or something but really, honestly, I feel frustration. Lately I’ve been listless, like my feet want to dance but I have no rhythm, like I want to sing but I have no voice, like I want to run for president but somebody came out of the closet clutching a stained blue dress.

It has occurred to me that I have all the symptoms of a person whose life has no meaning.

I hate to sound like a Negative Nelly. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try and keep it positive. However, I also promised myself I wasn’t going to use foul language and we all saw how THAT turned out.

So instead of going on about the things in my life that are troubling me I’ll attempt to ignore them and blog about something a little more up beat.

I tried making a new breakfast dish this morning. I lied to Girl Child and told her it was a recipe I learned on the cooking channel so she wouldn’t think it was another one of my usual food disasters. Truth is, I made it up. The idea was to have something like stuffed French toast,

 

But I didn’t have any cream cheese and I didn't have any strawberries. I used peanut butter and jelly as a substitute so really it was more like a glorified peanut butter and jelly sandwiched with a French toast exterior.

It turns out peanut melts pretty quickly in a frying pan, while jelly can hold its own. (Just in case you were wondering)

I sampled the final product and although it was a little runny, I thought it not half bad. I presented it with high hopes to Girl Child.

She took three bites and then looked and me and said, “Can you just make regular French toast?”

Obviously I can. It’s just I DIDN’T WANT TO!! I want a flare of excitement! I want fire works and a big band parade! I want to make out with my husband. Do you know we never make out anymore?? This troubles me. Don’t married people make out Once in a while??? Every time I try to slip him a little tongue he looks at me like I’ve gone mad. Come on baby!! I just want to swap a little spit!!



Okay, so obviously I got a little off track there, but I’m leaving it in because it seems strangely relevant.

So I resign myself to respectful smooches and regular French toast while inside I’m still churning for an empty back seat and something sticky sweet!!

My Cheesy Second Date

This is a story I’ve been sitting on a while. It’s about a second date that should have ended all future dates and it took place exactly three years ago today.

Our first date was on Valentine’s Day and besides my date running not one, but two, stop lights because he was too busy checking out my legs, it went very well.

I remember getting up to use the ladies room and when I came back he had sketched little O’s and X’s in the chocolate sauce on our dessert. That’s how I knew he was into me. (Well, that and the running of stop lights.)

Second dates are typically the ones that make or break the relationship though and by all rights this second date should have been the last.

We decided to go see a movie, Jumpers I think, and I was more than a little nervous because I really liked this guy.
We stopped at the concession stand to get some snacks. He got nachos with a big side of melted cheese



and I got popcorn.
We both got drinks.


We entered the movie a little late as the previews had already started. It was dark. It was crowded. Inside I wanted to hyperventilate a little but outside I was calm cool and collected.
I led the way down the aisle searching desperately for two vacant seats together. I found a row that looked promising and started to make my way through the jungle of crossed legs and coats and popcorn and well, there were a lot of distractions okay. I found two seats!!! Yay me!!

I stopped abruptly to inform my date that I found two seats. I turned to tell him the great news and realized too late that he was right on my heels. When I turned around to face him I smashed his plate of nachos into his chest. I watched in horror as the illuminated screen exposed a yellow gooey river of nachos cheese running down his front side.

I panicked.



I reached for the napkins that I had tucked into my arm pit, but suddenly the room went dark again and I was fumbling. Then screen lit up and I found the napkins!! Hurray!! Now I could mop off my date!!

I pulled the napkins free and that’s when I spilled my bag of popcorn. Little white balls of popped corn caught in the rapids of his nacho cheese river and overflowed in a collective pile at his feet.

Mother *^@%&$@*!!!

I tried to gage his reaction but the room went dark. I caught a flicker of dismay on his face before he indicated for me to just sit down.

I obediently sat down and attempted to melt into my chair while he removed his popcorn vest.

(Did I ever mention food and me disagree?)

I didn’t move for the duration of the movie for fear that I would spill the only remaining item from the concession stand on him.
At the end of the date I got into his truck and instead of taking me straight home, we started to talk. Alas!! A glimmer of hope!! The only problem was, I get gas when I’m nervous and I was clenching back a fart the size of Texas.

What was I supposed to do? Stay and talk and try to salvage what was left of our date and hope I could suppress Texan sized farts for another hour? Or rush through the rest of the date so I could free the Trojan Horse? Or… maybe I could try and slip it out quietly?? What if it smelled bad though?? Hmmm. I opted to keep on clenching and salvage the date.

I should have taken the advice of my mother - never hold in a fart.

He told a joke: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? You wave at her!!

I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it! It was funny! And I lost control of the clench and out came a fart as fierce as the Alamo itself!!



There was a moment of silence in which I spent staring at the top of his cab ceiling hoping that it would cave in on me.

Then I said, “Well I’m glad I got that out of the way! First farts are always so awkward!!”

To my amazement he started to laugh. I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to be nice or if he really found humor in this embarrassing moment.

He drove me home and I apologized for the nacho cheese and the popcorn but I didn‘t want to bring up the fart again.

He admitted the treatment was barbaric and told me that instead of being tarred and feathered he had been cheesed and corned!! He vowed that he would get even with me on our third date if I gave him the chance.

It turned out he decided that he needed more than a third date to even that score. It turned out the Minute Man needed a lifetime.
　

Dishes in the Buff

In the spirit of Vday I thought I would show another side of myself here in Bloggy Land. I feel that I should probably apologize in advance as poetry was never my thing... but never the less here it is, my poetry:

Dishes in the Buff!

Life with you hasn't always been easy,

You know dead geese don't please me,

While I am enjoying the peace and quiet,

You think slapping my ass a riot,

With loud volume you watch the game,

When I am studying you drive me insane,

Oh, sometimes living with you is tough,

But not when you do dishes in the buff,

Standing back to with your bum in the light,

Will always be the best part of my night,

When you put the bathroom under construction,

Many times I wanted to give you a concussion,

You take showers when you are grubby,

But I like to soak in the tubby,

You go and leave the shower knob on,

Then my poor head gets rained upon!

Just when I think I've got it so rough,

You give me dishes in the buff!!

When I see that beautiful bare bottom,

All my misery and woe forgotten,

Just when I think I've had enough,

Oh Lord, you do dishes in the buff!

My Apologies...

Yesterday's meditation may have led me to be freer than usual with my words. For most people this would not have necessarily been a bad thing. For me, it was like adding gasoline to an already well tended fire. The meditation focused on opening up the seven main chakra (energy capitals) in the body. The one trouble maker for me, I believe, was the throat chakra. They warned that it would allow you to speak the things you normally would keep to yourself. I had no idea how severe these consquence could be until I looked back and started reflecting on my day!

I have compiled a list of people I may owe an apology:

1) I apologize to Minute Man telling him that his lack of attention has led me to have unclean thoughts about some of my girlfriends. (He woke me up three times last night to "give me attention")

2) I apologize to the credit card services representive for telling him there is a yellow snowbank frequented by all the neighborhood dogs that I would enjoy throwing him into.

3) I apologize to myself for openly threatening to stick my head in an oven.

4) I apologize to Mollie for threatening to turn her into a goon.

5) To Mollie again for suggesting she cut off her fingers and Fed Ex them to me so I could lick of the scent of Lust from them.

(Sorry Mollie)

6) To JJ for suggesting that she got abducted my aliens and injected with serum that gave her shrinking powers.

7) To BB for suggesting she will become a grandmother soon.

8) I apologize to my kitty for telling him that he was really adopted

9) I apologize to my co-worker for telling him I was going to stuff his exhaust pipe with peanuts

10) I apologize to girl child for telling her she had monkey hair

11) And I apologize to God for accusing him of favortism

Some Mornings are Poopy

This blog is dedicated to all you full time parents out there. How do you do it? I’m just a half time mommy and I can’t help but sometimes feel that one day I will end up in a kitchen somewhere with my head stuffed in the oven.

That’s a horrible thing to write. I know.

To all you single childless folks out there who feel bad because all your friends are married with children, I used to be one of you not to long ago, trust me it’s not that bad!! Enjoy it while you can!!

Girl Child comes downstairs today and announces that she can’t button her pants. I turn around to help her button her pants and then she adds, “It’s a good thing that I can’t button my pants though because I have to go to the bathroom.”

She stands there looking at me.

I don’t get it. What is she waiting for? Does she need my permission to use the bathroom?

“So go to the bathroom,” I tell her.

She takes, for a six-year old, an incredibly smelly William Shatner and forgets to flush. She flushes number one, but for some reason she always leaves Shatners floating there for someone else to find. 

 

 I make her go back and flush.

Then I brush her hair and pull her bangs back with a pretty pink bow. She looks cute.

She rips the bow from her hair.

“I do it like this,” she said and pulled back a clump of hair and stapled it to the back of her skull.

She looks like a monkey combed her hair.

I brush her hair again and put the bow back in as it was before. Once again, she looks cute.

“Can I have another bow?” she asks.

“You don’t need another one, you look very pretty,” I told her.

“Can I have another bow?” she asks me two minutes later.

“Eat your breakfast,” I tell her.

“Can I have another bow?” she asks me three minutes later.

This was about the time I started eyeballing the stove and getting disturbing ideas.

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9    

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! 
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life! 

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. 
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!! 
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a  fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

The Great DQ Blizzard Disaster

Early yesterday morning I woke up to make Girl Child breakfast while Minute Man slept. He gets home from work at 4am, so sleeping in is acceptable while I get up and take care of the child. Besides, I’ve grown to like it actually.

She likes it when I make French toast and eggs for her and yesterday was no exception. When I asked what she wanted for breakfast she rattled out her usual request. However, this time as I prepared her breakfast she beamed up at me with big blue shining eyes and said, “You’re the best Mommy ever!”

Some people might take that compliment lightly, but it went straight to my head and suddenly there I was standing in the kitchen with my imaginary red cape flapping in the heat waves from the super radiant French toast grilling on the stove. My chest swelled with Super Mommy strength and for the rest of the day I vowed to be amazing. 

I went out and played in the snow with her – an activity I’ve always shied away from in the past. And now I know why. The snow in our yard was well over three feet in most places. It’s the white fluffy stuff, so naturally I sank like a stone up to my ass. As I rolled around like a beached seal trying to find my feet, I noticed Minute Man video taping the whole thing through the dining room window. Let’s hope that doesn’t end up on Face Book!

After an hour in the snow, I still had not lost the Super Mommy glow that had been bestowed upon me. I was actually feeling… INVINSIBLE! I felt so amazing that I decided it was time to bring the Dairy Queen Blizzard ice cream maker out of hiding. Girl Child got it from Santa for Christmas and I promptly hid it under the sink as soon as she let it out of her sight. I have truly been dreading having to use it with her. However, no task was too great for Super Mommy!

Girl Child was just so very excited as we pulled the contraption out of its box. We assembled all the little doo-dads and gadgets and whatchamadiggles. Then I unfolded the directions. The SIXTEEN step directions. Folks, I have made pumpkin pie from scratch with less complicated directions.

We soon discovered that we needed lots of ice. We didn’t have lots of ice, so I broke out the extra ice cube trays and filled them up and cleared space for them in the freezer. Then I had to break the news to Girl Child that it would be several hours before we could resume making the Dairy Queen Blizzard ice creams. Of course, she was disappointed but I bribed her with candy. Tragedy narrowly adverted.

Several hours later, after being asked at 20 minute intervals if the ice was ready yet, we resumed our ice cream making journey.

Then I find that not only do we need lots of ice, the ice also needed to be crushed and or shaved. I’ve never shaved ice before. I’ve never crushed ice before. Neither has Super Mommy.

I was pretty sure this was a job for the Magic Bullet. I stuffed the little Magic Bullet full of ice. I was going to shred the ice cubes into teeny tiny little pieces. Well, that was my intention anyway. The Magic Bullet rocketed off its base and cubes fell from the ceiling.

Girl Child and I covered our heads with our hands and she gave me this look like, “You’re in big trouble now!!” 

I shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

“I guess that’s not the way to shave ice,” I said coolly.

Idea number two, I emptied a tray of ice into a bowl and tried smashing it with a blunt object. After a moment or two I began to fear that I may have compromised the safety of Operation Ice Cream and decided that was another way not to crush and or shave ice. Girl Child was now looking at me like I had gone completely mad. Truth be told, that wouldn’t have been too far from the mark.

I decided that slightly mangled ice cubes would have to suffice.

Next problem, the ingredients call for ¾ cups of salt. Now, I admit this did strike me as an excessive amount of salt for two small cups of ice cream. So I doubled checked the directions and saw that not once but twice did they stated that ¾ cups of salt was needed. However, the picture indicated a spoon. ??? Hmmm. I just dumped the contents of the salt shaker into the mix. It was probably close to a half cup. I figured we improvised with the ice why stop there?

Girl Child and I took turns churning the ingredients for 10 minutes. At the end of the excruciating long churning cycle both of our arms were burning.

“Are we almost to Enjoy?” Girl Child asked indicating with her finger to step 16 which mockingly states: ENJOY!

“Yep!” I announced and pulled the knob to release the first cup of delicious frozen Dairy Queen Blizzard. 

A puddle of cream dripped into the cup.

We both looked down at the cup and then at each other in dismay.

(Did I mention food and me disagree? See previous blog Clean Up in Aisle 4)

I opened the ice cream bucket and peered inside. The ice cubes were still sitting in a puddle of salt and water. What the heck?? How can this be??

Mother %&@%*!!

I emptied the contents into the blender and hit blend. Ahhh!! Now we have something that resembles ice cream!!! I poured a little into Girl Child’s outstretched cup.

She dipped one finger timidly into the white slushy stuff. She put the finger tip to her tongue. I watched the moment of truth unfold. I watched as she spat on the counter and started to gag. Mortified and disbelieving that it could taste that bad I tried a taste. The salt was so over powering it brought tears to my eyes.

Mother ^%&@%#&!!

I took the mix and threw it out the front door and into a snow bank.

I looked at Girl Child sitting in her chair, disappointed with her head hanging low. I was quickly losing my Super Mommy powers.

I had been defeated by the Dairy Queen Blizzard Ice Cream Maker. I knew I should have kept that thing locked up under the sink.

I decided to try one more time for Girl Child. I tossed Half and Half, milk, ice and chocolate syrup into the blender and gave it a whirl. Out came Magic!! A beautiful chocolaty soft serve – well it was a little runny, but Girl Child’s eyes were once again ablaze.

This time she took a spoon sample.

“It’s good!!” she exclaimed. “Can we put sprinkles on it?”

“Yep!” I said chest once again starting to swell.

Meditation Morals

Progress report on Chopra Meditation Challenge Days 8 -12: Turns out Day 8 was all about letting go of attachments and materialistic BS. However I didn't learn this until Day 9 because I was stranded at the Inn under 3 feet of snow getting shitfaced with my friends on Day 8. (I saw no reason to tiptoe around that one.)

Day 9 focused on loving yourself and your enemies. Somewhere half way through that meditation I found myself grinning. I'm not sure why.

Day 10 was about forgiving yourself for anyone that you have hurt in the past. Hmmm. No smiling there.

Day 11 focused on setting your intentions. The therory behind this is if your goals include the benefit of humanity they will materialize. It's about a give and exchange relationship with the universe like a tree takes nutrients from the earth and replenishes the air with clean oxygen. Everything must work in balance with the universe. Okay. I get that. Next.

Today, Day 12 was about overcoming your obtacles and learning how to fly. I was supposed to have ended up floating out in the cosmos somewhere but the screaming of Girl Child from two levels down in the house to please come and open her Gatorade left me feeling more like a kite tied to a crazy kid down on the beach. Oh well. It's all good.

Somewhere between Days 9 and 11 there was a story they told that stuck with me. It's about behavior and how hard it is to change the one thing you've always known. If you've always known disappointment, then you will expect it to continue. However, if you live in the moment without being influenced by actions of the past you'll flourish.

Once upon a time (you like that? it's just for effect) there was Frog who lived in the present and Scorpion who lived in the past. One day the Scorpion saw Frog sitting on the other side of the river. Scorpion very much wanted to get to the other side but he did not know how to swim. He asked Frog if he could get a ride across the river on Frog's back.

"How do I know you won't sting me once we are in the water?" asked Frog.

"I would be a fool to do such a thing," said Scorpion. "For if I did, you would die and we both would drown."

This made sense to Frog but he was still skeptical.

"How do I know once we near the bank of the other side you won't sting me then?" asked Frog.

"Oh, but friend, I would be SO grateful to you for getting me to the other side I would never sting you," said Scorpion.

This too made sense to Frog, so he swam across the currents of the river to the other side where Scorpion sat waiting.  Scorpion got on Frog's back and Frog once again struggled through the waters to reach the other side. Frog could feel Scorpion's legs digging into his back, but he continued to navigate through the river's strong current toward the other side.

Then half way across the river, Frog felt Scorpion's tail pierce his soft belly.

"You fool!" cried Frog. "Why did you do that? Now we shall both die in this river!!"

The Scorpion answered: "I'm a Scorpion. I sting Frogs. It's what I do."

Fame! I'm Gonna Live Forever!!

Turns out I’m funny and stylish too!! SY over at The Curious Quest Questioning Questions of the Inquisitive gave me this Stylish Blogger Award.



I like a lot of things about her blog. Her writing is clever and witty but she also maintains a quiet elegance in her words. She’s the type of gal that puts her heart into her writing and doesn’t hold back. I find that she’s the kind of writer whose writing helps me becoming a better writer – like Stephen King. Oh no, I didn’t just compare her to Stephen King!! (I didn’t mean it like that SY!! I’m just saying that for some reason Stephen King inspires me and you do as well!!) I think if you read just one of her blog entries you’ll agree, she’s a keeper!!
Now if I play by the rules, which I ALWAYS do (That is such a BIG lie!!) I have to name five of my favorite bloggers to whom I would like to pass the award on to and five of my favorite things.
Bloggers First!!

1. My Cyber House Rules has been one of the most enjoyable rides I’ve taken in a while. Her writing will leave you wishing your desk chair came with a seat belt. She will rock your world and send you into uncontrollable fits of giggles.
2. Not About Cake is another blog I find very entertaining because there is a colorful array of topics, all which I find interesting. You never know exactly what you’re going to get when you open her page, giant pigs on street corners, weird swimming craters or turning the daily frustrations of life into something we can all laugh at instead of going crazy over.
3. The Restaurant Manager’s Rant is a blog I recently discovered and I find it essential to my day. If you’ve ever worked in the hospitality or service industry you’ll find yourself nodding your head firmly between small outbursts of “Hell yeah!” and “Oh no he did not!!” This is a well rounded blog comprised mostly of intellect and seasoned with a bit of humor for that full bodied flavor.
4. Jack Sparrow is another character you’ll want to check out. She’s new here and could use some friends. I must confess my nomination for her is strict favoritism because she’s my real life best friend. If you love me, you’ll probably love her too!!
5. Daydream Believer is the only blogger I know that can write about draining her sinuses and still remain stylish. She’s very popular and basically doesn’t know I exist, but that doesn’t stop me from loving her from a distance.

Five of my favorite things, excluding things that everyone loves like - kittens for the sake of keeping things interesting….

1.

I love listening to the oldies station. It makes me feel happy.

2.

I absolutely go batso for a good car wash!!

3.

Baking is like candy for the soul. (Not to be confused with cooking mind you!!)

4.

Making snow angels is sheer bliss!

5.

An old cemetary is my favorite haunt! It's one of the only places you can cry in public and it's always Quiet.

Melatonin - Licking the Sheets

As some of you know I’ve been having a difficult time sleeping – mainly because I have a hubby that snores very loudly. I’ve gotten a few useful suggestions from my readers and I decided to try BB’s suggestion of taking something to knock me out cold. (Paraphrasing of course)

I’m not really one to take sleep aides because I find a lot of them make you groggy in the morning. So I decided to try Melatonin, a natural supplement that releases chemicals in your brain that tell you its nighty night time. Turns out it has one minor side effect – vivid dreams. I’m already a vivid dreamer so I figured it couldn’t get much worse. Oh boy was I ever wrong!!

First, I want to say the Melatonin worked great!! Second, I want to say I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I’ll try to keep the following description of what happened that night as decent as possible but if you’re easily offended or uncomfortable with sexual content I suggest you stop reading here.

Oh, good you’re all still with me!! I truly feel I know you all well enough to make the assumption that nobody actually stopped reading. However, I felt an official disclaimer was only appropriate.

I had this AMAZING dream where my hubby decided to take me to this - I’m sure there’s name for it, but for now I’ll refer to this place as: The Underground Naughty House. As a treat he told me I could select two sexual partners to join us in our private room!! Then he introduced me to this small circle of about ten people for my selection.

Oh dear… I’ve never done anything like this before. I was even uncomfortable with it in my dream. How was I going to choose? Who was I going to choose? I suggested a game of charades to get a better feel for each individual’s character. We all sat around playing charades and having fun.  I couldn’t pick. I was too embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Hubby and I started getting it on and the Hot Acrobat Woman joined us without being asked. Surprising I was really okay with it. But then hubby got up and walked out and it was just me and Miss Acrobat. I went with it. Why not? She could do amazing things with her legs!!

Miss Acrobat twisted me like a pretzel and left me in a puddle of my own sweat. As I lay there quivering in ecstasy, The Black Cop came in and started giving me a sponge bath. Then he did very Naughty Things to me, which I enjoyed immensely.

I woke myself up briefly during this time with the sounds of my own moaning and a strange sensation, which I momentarily identified as the feel of my tongue licking the sheets!!

Too zonked out to come fully to, I pulled my tongue out of the sheets and rolled over to continue with the dream. I mean seriously, wouldn’t you?

Unfortunately Black Cop left when I was collecting myself and I was still laying there wondering where the Minute Man went. As I was pulling on my clothes, Minute Man appears and I told him I was furious that he left me there alone. He apologized and explained that he got called into work. Typical. He’s even at work during my sex dreams of him!!

Then Minute man demanded that I pay for the services and I’m like what the heck, this was your treat to me and now you want me to pay? He argued that he wasn’t there to enjoy any of it so I should pay the bill. I refused to pay the bill and we started arguing.

We decided to leave The Underground Naughty House without paying the bill. Black Cop became very angry for not getting paid for his services and shot me in the back. As I lay on pavement bleeding from a gun shot wound, Minute Man cradled me in his arms screaming “Stella!!!”

I heard the sound of more gun shots and felt Minute Man drop me on the pavement. Through blurred vision I watched him head to his car to collect his gun. Minute Man became engaged in a shoot out with Black Cop to vindicate my honor.

While they played cops and robbers, I decided that I really needed to get to a hospital so I i miraculously got up and walked away. Somehow, I ended up in this Indian church where I found Deepak Chopra meditating. Chopra looked up from his perch and asked me to tell him my story.



I told my story to Chopra and after some deep pondering he agreed that I needed medical attention.

I continued on my way to the hospital, but I was growing weaker from the loss of blood. Then the Minute Man found me and he took my hand and guided me toward the hospital.

On the way to the hospital a psychic stopped and grabbed my hand.

“You’re in danger!!” she said.

Maybe my blood soaked clothes gave it away?

I explained that I just got shot and I was on my way to the hospital.

“It was a set up,” she said. “You weren’t supposed to live. Your husband hired that man to kill you!!”

“WHAT??”

She then took Minute Man’s hand too and we were immediately sucked into a time warp continuum where tree hugging hippy music blared loudly and bong smoke filled the air. I got a contact high from the bong smoke and started giggling.

The bong smoke penetrated my wound and healed me. Minute Man and I kissed and made up and promised that we would never ever dabble in the evils of multiple partners ever again. And we lived happily ever after in The Land of Peace and Honey. 

I cringe to think about what Sparrow, my dream interpreter, will have to say about this one!!