Other People's Money

I don't have a glamorous job, but I do love it! I work in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. It's a seaside resort with a four diamond rating. (That's not the best part.) The best part is my employers treat me like family. I've only worked there five years now, but when you stick with somebody through three different fires, one of them being arson, it tends to create a very tight bond amongst those that suffered through the tragedy together.

My next favorite thing about my job is in the summer I sometimes wear my bikini under my uniform and go jump in the ocean after work - or during my lunch break on super hot days! It's bliss!

Of course, it's been months since I've been able to do that in this frigid New England climate! However, today I got to experience my third favorite aspect of my job as housekeeping manager. I got to spend a lot of somebody else's money! I actually spent close to an entire month's salary in a matter of minutes!

We just acquired a new property on the peninsula. It's a mansion that was built in 1896 with a large attachment that was added 20 years ago. It has 13 bedrooms and several living rooms and porches, and sunrooms and other varieties of living spaces. It's amazing! The house is absolutely stunning and takes my breath away. There are four different levels with four different stairwells and six bathrooms. The master bedroom  is bigger than my living room, dining room and kitchen combined - 10,000 square feet for those of you that are better with numbers. It seems to ramble on forever (sorta like my description here!) To think that just one family lived there blows my mind.

The owner of the resort bought it "to entertain his daughter" who is a little younger than me. She is furnishing it and renting it out for a mere $8,000 a week! Dead serious. However, guess who got to purchase all the bedding for the property? Me! Yay Me! I'm still flying high from my shopping spree! Most of the rooms are either yellow or blue, so I tried to stick with those colors. Here are some photos of the things that I picked out.











Which one is your favorite?

The Secret Life of a Fart

Yes, I realize this post will probably equate to the maturity level of a ten year old, but like a good fart, it’s been brewing for a while now and it’s just itching for release.

There are quite a few different situations in which a woman feels compelled to clench her buttocks and suppress her body’s natural desire to release gas. I’ve taken it upon myself to compile a list of the top places a fart can absolutely under no circumstances be released:

1) During sex - I have never let one rip during sex, but that’s not because I didn’t feel the need. My husband obviously must feel the same as it is fairly typical for him to let one go right after sex. I, personally, feel there should be some sort of buffer period. I mean, if you let one go immediately after then I totally know you were holding it in while we were having our intimate moment and that sorta takes away from the whole experience. Seriously you held it that long, can’t you hold it a few minutes longer until after you roll out of bed?




2) During a physical - As my friend Samara pointed out, once they put you “in the position” during a pap smear with your legs spread it’s prime farting time. “I can’t help but thinking when I’m laying there if you put your finger up there I’m going to fart on you.”




3) At church - Personally, my bowels tend to loosen up when I’m nervous and all that talk about eternal damnation really knows how to stir up trouble in my lower sanctums. I can’t help but think if I ever farted in church that God might just put me on the naughty list. (Or is that Santa? I frequently get the two confused!) I always need to let one go after church!




4) During yoga class - I think this may be the single most challenging time to hold in a fart. I recently found myself in the awkward position of trying not to fart throughout the entire duration of my yoga class. Have you ever gone into Child’s Pose and just really want to release more than your lower back? If you thought lunges were torture, try holding one in during Child’s Pose!



More about farting….

For women it’s particular difficult to know the right time to let one go for the first time with your significant other. One of my favorite first time farter stories comes from one of my favorite couples Sarah and Ryan.

Ryan: “I knew I was in love when we were laying in bed one morning and she let one rip and then turned to me and said: Damn I should have pulled up the sheets and made it a Dutch Oven!”



　

Who Will You Count On?

I’ve returned back to inner reflection and decided to put less attention on the turmoil in my life. I figure I’ve done all I can now and the only thing left to do is let things run its course.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Japan. The tragedy is almost so overwhelming that it is hard to comprehend.  I try to apply the situation to my own life. What would it be like to wake up in ruins with half the population gone? It strikes a cold sword through my heart because I believe the same thing will happen here in only a matter of time. Are we prepared? Is there such thing as being able to be prepared for such a disaster? What would you do? Where would you go? Does your family have a meeting plan if you get separated?

I guess in my case, I’m in the process of redefining family, so it’s a little tricky. Who would I spend what could possibly be my last days with? What would they be like? If I were injured could I count on them to take care of me? Who would I protect at all costs?

Honestly, I think of the people I currently know that I could count on to feel safe with in a natural disaster. My mother, I know no matter what my mother, and my step father would do anything in their power to make sure we survived. My sister, she's my big sis and I would do anything to protect her and her little baby just as she has always done for me. My best friend Sparrow and her family, they’ve been my second family for over 20 years now. These are also the people I would sacrifice anything for in return..

Right now, my husband and I are teetering on divorce, so honestly… I mean brutally honestly… I mean shit, if we can’t stick together through a marriage disaster I guess I shouldn’t expect him to stick with me through a natural disaster. Right?

Maybe this is the one good thing that comes out of disaster, knowing the people you can truly count on. Who will you count on if disaster strikes?

Lubrication and Alien Probing

Good friends are like lubrication, when life gives it to you up the bum they make the impact a little more bearable. (I made that up all by myself!) I’m just feeling really grateful for my lubrication today, so I wanted to blog about it.

Over the last week I’ve experienced so many touching acts of kindness. I have “strangers” here online reaching out to me, lending me kind words and encouragement whenever possible. I have “real life” friends that have shown up unannounced on my door step bearing a bottle of wine and a bouquet of flowers. I’ve had co-workers bring me coffee or leave little treats on my desk to cheer me up.

It’s these little gestures that make the hard times bearable and I just want to say thank you.

Today I found two very long strips of caulking that was pulled from I don’t even want to know where and placed loving on my desk. It makes me feel pretty darn special knowing someone saw those two gooey strips of rubbery slime and actually thought to themselves: You know who would really like this, and thought of me.

Maybe it was the aliens that have been circling my block. 

We had a UFO sighting on our street last week. I heard about it at the local Cumbie’s where I overhear oh so many colorful conversations such as how to get away with murdering your husband by slipping small amounts of antifreeze into his food.

The most recent Cumbie’s Conversation surrounded alien hunting. I tuned in half-way through the conversation when I overheard the term alien hunting. I looked over and there was a bearded redneck clad in hunting gear talking with the Cumbie’s clerk about how he’s just got his rifle cleaned up and he’s going out hunting for “them aliens.”

I had a moment of terror where I thought this man might be referring to illegal aliens. Then the Cumbie’s clerk said, “Well don’t go shooting at random things in the sky until you’re sure it’s a space craft. You know what happened last time…” 

“Is this coffee safe to drink?” I asked looking sideways at the kook beside me. “Or is this the special batch?”

“What?” the Cumbie’s clerk asked me.

“I’m just wondering if I drink this here coffee if I’m going to start shooting at figments of my imagination like this fella over here,” I explained.

“It’s not a frigment!” said Redneck Rambo. “Dontcha read the papers?”

“I don’t read the Enquirer if that’s what you want to know,” I retorted.

Redneck Rambo rolls his eyes at me and reaches for a copy of the local paper.

“It’s all here on page six,” he said. “There was a UFO sighting here in town two days ago and I intend to get them before they get me! I'll be damned if I'm going to get probed by one their super computers.” 

Redneck Rambo stood back preparing to gloat as I read the headline: Mystery Lights Sky Launch UFO Speculation.

“Holy Crap! That’s on my block!!” I said in disbelief as I scanned the article.

“Not so uppity now are ya?” Redneck Rambo smirked. “They start coming out after natural disasters like Ja-pan! They’re checking up on us to see how we’re dealing with it,” he added.

“Okay, then.” I said slowly backing away from the crazy man. 

Redneck Rambo bid farewell to the Cumbie’s Clerk and I quickly paid for my coffee and decided to buy the paper too. What the heck? I like to keep an open mind.

Clips from the article:

Most mornings, the only encounters that happen at the Cumberland Farms are between employees opening the store at 5 a.m. and bleary-eyed commuters and truckers.

Tuesday morning brought a different, eerier kind of encounter, though — one that included hovering lights seemingly moving forward and backward above buildings on Allen Street.

An employee at Cumberland Farms who wished to remain anonymous said he was standing in the store along with a couple of other individuals at about 4:45 a.m. when one person commented that the lights looked like an unidentified flying object.

The employee was skeptical, though, because he's never heard of any alien abductions or sightings in town and because he didn't have any strange gaps of missing time in his workday.

"Not that I know of, anyway, unless they implanted something," said the man.

He said the "V" shape of the lights on the wings of the craft made him think the group saw an optical illusion involving a military refueling tanker, although he said he couldn't completely rule out a UFO.

"It had a strange flight pattern," said the employee. "It looked idle. The planes make pass-throughs all the time toward the base, and I've seen the planes do that pattern before. It was strange, though."

Locke said the sighting could have been of an airplane of some kind, as he said planes routinely make passes over that area of town.

Adding to the likeliness of this explanation is that the base reported it had a KC-10 refueling tanker departing from one of their northbound runways at 4:48 a.m. Tuesday.

The anonymous employee at Cumberland Farms said he wouldn't blame people for chalking up the experience to an alien sighting even if the facts are against the idea because the area isn't known for such activity and it makes for an interesting story — especially since the logic hasn't definitely ruled out a UFO.

I suppose anything is possible, but if there are aliens I don’t think I would go around blasting off rounds at their spaceship. What do you think?Do aliens exist? And if so, should they be shot at?

The Crutch and The Void

I decided to take the advice of my fellow bloggers and go see the counselor today. She was still extremely apologetic and I could tell she probably felt worse about the mishap than I did.

I also took the advice of a new follower of mine Lelia who I have come to think of as my partner in heartache! She's probably half my age but she's a pretty smart little cookie, and she too is dealing with difficulty in the love department.

She suggested that maybe I start taking a good long look in the mirror. I have to admit that's a pretty scary thing for me to do, because I much rather look at somebody else's imperfections that admit to any of my own.

In the spirit of self reflection I opened up and told my therapist about my something my mother tried numerous times to get me to talk about in therapy as a child. I won't go into detail about it here. All I'll say is when I was twelve I was hospitalized for several weeks as a result of treatment I received under my father's care. My sister was affected more severely, but I believe her scars were more emotional than physical. She went to counseling for many years to deal with her anger and fear over the situation, while I never spoke of it to anyone with a professional degree - until now.

My poor therapist just dipped her toe into a 20 year pool of swirling turmoil. I feel bad that she's the one that gets to deal with all that ugliness.

Anyways, bottomline is I can't have children because of what my father did to me. So when Minute Man and Girl Child came into my life I finally saw an opportunity to have that sparkling family that I never got to experience when I was a child. I guess I wanted a family far more than I ever realized because, to me, it was a way of setting right all the wrongs that were done in the past.

Then when this family started to resemble the one I came from, I sorta fell apart and so didn't everything else.

Holy crap Lelia! Maybe you were right after all, maybe I was using them both as a crutch to fill this void I've been carrying around with me for so long!

My Attack Cat

Don't let his looks fool you! He's as fierce as a lion!!

Daily Dilemma

Until now I haven't gone into too much detail surrounding the reason for my recent darkened demeanor - and I still feel as though I must stay quiet on a lot of what has been taking place. However, there is one piece of the puzzle that needs to be revealed because I desperately need some advice!

Normally, I would probably turn to my husband for this sort of guidance but - alas he is no longer an option. So, a couple weeks ago I chose to take a "sick" day because I wasn't feeling great and it was slow enough that I wouldn't be missed. I was horribly depressed with red swollen puffy eyes. The thought of mustering up enough strength to go into work and fake smile at everyone and tell them that I was "Great!" when exchanging polite "How are yous?" just made me feel exhausted.

So I called my assistant, who I am friendly with, and explained the situation to her and told her unless she felt she couldn't carry on without me for the day I would really just prefer to stay home and allow myself to feel sad. She was fine with it, because as I had mentioned previously, it was a slow day.

The next day, I was feeling moderately better and also knew that I couldn't just play dead for the rest of my life so I came into work. I'm not sure if my assistant sent out a mass memo to everyone in the building that I was having marital problems or if she just made an announcement over the intercom, but Everyone knew my business. EV-REE-ONE!! even my boss.

Not only that she went around telling people that she believes work and personal life should be kept separate!

Quite frankly, I felt very hurt and betrayed - but I guess this is why it's a good example as to why it's a bad idea to be "friends" with your employees. Anyways, I told her that I was displeased with the way she handled the situation and she lied and told me she only told one person. Now I KNEW that wasn't true because the one person she said she told knows how to keep her mouth shut about these things. Furthermore, the "one person" she told doesn't talk to the person that contacted me via Face Book because she "heard I might have had a bad day and was there for me if I needed to talk."

I don't feel there is much point in talking to liars, so I chalked it up to a learning experience and will be certain not to share personal information with my assistant ever again.

So this is not my dilemma.

My dilemma comes into play with the girl that contacted me on FB. Let's call her Mustang Sally. Mustang Sally and her husband attended my wedding last May. So when her husband friendquested me I didn't think it too unusual. Maybe a little, but not very.

I accepted his friendquest and he immediately sent me this message :

"i love [MS] but i have slight crush on you . im not dishonest [MS] knows, im telling you that [Minute Man] is lucky he better act like it. please dont embarrass my dear wife [MS], shes my rock!"

Okay so what has happened here is Mustang Sally has gone home and talked to her dear husband about my marital disaster and now he's macking on me via Face Book. 

I know that I've stated a couple of times in my blog that I never claimed to be a good person, but I do always try to do the right thing. I've already crossed the line once with mixing business and personal life. My question to you, dear readers, is do I tell Mustang Sally what her husband wrote to me?

Bite Me, I'm Versatile!

 I must say this award (although I am very delinquent in accepting it) came at a very appropriate time. Marty over at The Many Faces of Me shared this award with me shortly after my blog took a sharp turn from funny and upbeat into more darker tones. I've since learned that I can still find humor even in my darkest moments.

Marty was clearly able to see this ability in me far before I was aware of it. She too is a versatile blogger - with many faces! I've enjoyed reading her blog about her husband and daughter and the trials and tribulations of everyday life! No matter how her day has been she always finds a little humor in it, because if we can't laugh at our misery... well... then we'd all be on Prozac!!

Thank you Marty, for being such a great friend. You are truly a blessing!

So now it's time for me to share seven things from my Real Life!!

1) Sometimes when things get stuck in my head I try to pull them out - literally! (Sometimes it actually works!! Go ahead I know you want to try it now...)



2) I bake when I get depressed and it's Always amazing!! The only problem is everybody knows when something is wrong when I show up to work bearing baked goods. (The more delicious they are, the bigger the problem!!)


 3) When the hundred year old willow tree crashed in my back yard, we found a massive swarm of honey bees inside and called a bee keeper to come and collect them so they would have a new home.



4) I'm a coffee whore.




5) I think rough sex is hot! (Pull my hair! Slam me up against the wall! Bite me! It's okay!! Really!!)



(Well #5 is definitely a tough act to follow... hmmm...)

6) I once threw itching powder in somebody's dryer. (I never claimed to be a good person.)



7) I do believe in fairies!!!



Now I shall pass this bloggy award on to a very special gal, my friend over at The Ramblings of Jack Sparrow. Last time I gave her an award I said it was strictly biased and it was. This time, it's not. Sparrow is new to Bloggy Land and she has navigated through the waters and pressed on even when she felt like giving up. She has proven that she can roll with the tides of change and adapt to whatever bloggy mood comes her way!

I would also like to share this award with my very first follower a lady we all know and love, Bouncin' Barb who writes This and That (As I Bounce Thru' Life). I know that she has received this award before but I also know that she is going through a tough transition in her life right now. I want her to know that she has my respect and support for being such a trooper and marching on through her life with the courage to share her hopes and fears with Bloggy Land no matter how difficult her battles become. If by some odd chance you don't already know her, stop by and pay her some love. You'll get it back in ten fold!

Coffee, Conspiracy and Convenience

I live in Maine. It's a unique state where women still find it acceptable to go grocery shopping in the pajamas while still wearing their curlers and night cream. Some Maine women only believe in shaving their legs four months out of the year (I haven't graduated to level of Mainer yet thank goodness)

Mainers definitely might have a lot to hide but they just don't believe it covering it up. A perfect example of this is a conversation I entered upon at a local Cumerland Farms today.

While standing in line to pay for my any size $1 ice coffee I couldn't help but overhear the conversation that was taking place directly in front of me.

An older lady in her mid to late forties was buying a economy sized bottle of Chardonnay, four snow balls, and two large brightly blue colored slurpies. (What has the American diet come to?? Blek!) I fear this may have been her dinner.

For lack of a better name, let's refer to this lady as Sugar Whore.

Sugar Whore says, "I'm going to kill my husband."

The lady behind the counter, who definitely looks like she might be packing a gun in her Hanes for Women over 60 Underwear, seems annoyed. Let's call her Probably Packing.

Probably Packing says, "You keep on saying that! Why don't you just do it! Kill him already!!"

Now the conversation has taken my fullest attention.

"I'll go to jail if I do," Sugar Whore admits reluctantly.

"Not if you do it right!" Probably Packing cries indignantly.

"I'd never be able to lift the body," said Sugar Whore.

"Listen, here's what you do," Probably Packing said lowering her head to obtain maximum eye contact.

"Give him some anti-freeze..."

"They'll detect that," argued Sugar Whore.

"No dummy! You're not listening!!," said Probably Packing. "You don't just hand your husband a cup of anti-freeze and say 'here ya go honey, drink up!' You got to slip a little into his beer each night and let it build up slowly in his system."

Me: Holy Shit!! *starts taking mental notes for later*

The second Cumbie's teller, a young male in his early twenties, is also enthralled by the conversation. We will call him The Rookie. The four of us start to eyeball each other, silently sizing the other one up. 

The Rookie says, "No, that won't work. He'll probably just go blind or something."

Probably Packing smirks at The Rookie as if to say: Oh yeah, my experience says otherwise.

Me: This is getting a little awkward. I either need to join the conversation or make a break for the door fast!

So I say, "You know they say that guy in New Hampshire would have gotten away with feeding his wife through the wood chipper and into the lake if he had only remembered to clean the wood chipper."

Me: What the hell did I just say?? Me in the voice that usually tells me to jump: It's alright. It's just your survival mechanisms kicking in. I recognize them from that time you backed away from the edge of the turnpike overpass and then treated yourself to an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

The other three heads in the store all spin around in my direction.

Probably Packing smiles at me and I know that I am cool.

Probably Packing says, "Yeah like that guy that hacked up his wife and put her in a suitcase. Then he threw the suitcase over a bridge. The only problem is he forgot the water was frozen and someone ended up calling the cops to report a fallen suitcase on the ice."

Now The Rookie is going to take a stab at it and he says, "Or like that time a guy goes into to rob a convenience store and writes a stick up note on one of his personal checks."

Okay, obviously this little one has missed the mark, but we need to recognize his effort to get off the porch and run with the big dogs. The conversation quickly dissipates as we women exchange The Look - you know the look.

I left the store feeling grateful to live in what I consider to be about the best place on earth. Where else can you get murder conspiracy with a cup of coffee to go??

Baby Hughy Lives at Dunkin Donuts!!

My head is so full of junk I just feel like I need to vent and I've learned that is what blogging is all about!

1) The Dunkin Donuts Dude: So I pull up in the drive thru and I ask the little box if they have iced Vanilla Chai Tea. Baby Hughie's voice ringing through: "No," he says. Just "no". That's it.

So I'm all like "I just want me some Vanilla Chai Tea. Do you have it hot?"

Baby Hughie "Yes."

Me: "I'll have one of those then, please."

(I always say please and thank you when getting public service. It's just the polite thing to do.)

Baby Hughie: "Okay,"

I drive to the next window.

I wait for Baby Hughie to bring my tea. He brings the tea after a reasonable amount of time and then sets the tea down on the window ledge. I'm looking at it with the longing of a sixteen year old cheerleader pining after the captain of the football team. He daunting moves my tea aside and asks me for money. I WANT MY TEA ASSHOLE!

I give him the money. He gives me the change.

Then FINALLY I am rewarded with my fucking tea!

I say, "Thank you."

Baby Hughie says, "How may I help you?" to the guy behind me and slams the window in my face.

Okay, now I realize this may sound like a minor detail in the everyday life of most people, but doesn't this fucker know I'm on the verge of a mental fucking break down and all I want is somebody to NOTICE me?? Just notice me and say thank you and your welcome and polite things that make me feel appreciated??

What has customer service come to?? Is this all I get for my contribution to the American economy? Where's the fucking love??? Where I ask you?? Where??

Oh god, this is bad. I'm looking for the Dunkin Donughts drive thru guy to satisfy my feelings of unfullfillment. How much worse can it possibly get???

You know what? I had a whole LIST of things I wanted to write about but I can CLEARLY see that I have reached my limit here, so until next time Bloggy World! Until next time!

Life Circles

I thought of something funny the other day. It wasn’t Haha Funny. It was more like Death Row Pardon Two Minutes Too Late Funny.

The longer I live, the more I see circles in my life. People I lose touch with suddenly resurface and we become best friends again. I marry the same man twice, not literally, that would just be weird. I should have said I marry the same type of guy twice. The same life lessons keep presenting themselves to me over and over again in different forms. 

My most recent circle experience is divorce. It occurred to me that the Girl Child is the same age as I was when my mother divorced my father. Actually, my mother divorced my father for a lot of the same reasons I want to divorce my husband. I was only six but I remember it pretty clearly…

My mother sat my brother and my sister and me down on the couch.

“I have something to tell all of you,” she started.

We all sat on the edge of our seats eagerly awaiting her announcement that we were all going to the circus. Oblivious to our misplaced excitement she got straight to the point.

“Your father and I are getting a divorce.”

There was an awkward silence and we kids all sorta just looked at each other pissed off that we weren’t going to the circus.

“Any questions?” my mother asked breaking the silence.

We all shook our heads no.

“Good go play then,” she said.

I got off the couch and started dancing in circles around my sister who is ten years my senior.

“Are you ok?” she asked me.

“Yep!” I replied happily.

“Um… do you know what divorce means?” she asked me.

I had no clue, but I was too proud to admit it.

“Yep! I think it’s great!” I said and beamed my best smile up at her.

****

I’ve since learned what divorce means. I’ve also learned that just because you have a husband and a child, doesn’t mean you have a family.