An Eye-Opening Experience

Last night I attempted to comfort a young man who had his heart crushed by his college girlfriend. Honestly, it was a real eye opener for me.

First of all I didn’t think men were capable of such heart wrenching emotion. (Probably because I've done more of the heart wrenching than I have of the comforting) I listened in empathetic awe as he uttered these words:

“I couldn’t even be with another girl right now. I don’t care if the hottest super model came up to me and wanted to go right now. I just love K so much! I probably wouldn’t even be able to get it up for another girl. She’s not a super model by any means, but to me she’s perfect. She’s the most perfect girl I’ve ever met and the only girl I’ll ever want to be with!”

I’m not sure if any guy has ever felt this way about me. So when I heard this young man utter these words, there was a very clear part of me that wanted to go punch this girl in the throat for throwing away something that special.

Some people just need to be high-fived.

In the face.

With a chair.

Life Adjustments

It's been about a month now since I've been separated from my spouse. So many things I could say about that and yet so much holding me back....

Faced with paying the bills on my own I had to come up with some alternative form of income. It came down to getting a second job as a stripper or getting a room mate. I could probably pull off stripping but I think I'm seriously lacking in the self confidence area. I mean, don't you need to be tall to take off your clothes for money??

I'm not tall enough.And as MM pointed out, I can't dance either.

So that left me with the option of finding a roomie. My best available option was by best friend's little brother. I've known him for nearly twenty years and her family is like my family, so it was a no-brainer really.

So far, it's turned out to be a really good decision. Of course, living with somebody (especially that of the opposite sex) always poses some interesting challenges...

First the good stuff, he is very neat (for a guy). He does all his own dishes. He cleans up after himself and is basically pretty quiet.

He does leave the toilet seat up. However, this is small potatoes in the big picture. Did I mention he cleans up after himself?!!! Does the dishes!!! Hell, he even took out the trash the other day!! Do you know how long it has been since somebody other than ME took out the damn trash??? A long time people!!! A long time!!

So go ahead and leave the toilet seat up!! I can deal with this!! If THIS is your major malfunction, by all means leave the damn thing up. I really am too busy being tickled pink that I'm not doing your laundry, cleaning your dishes, and picking up your trash to complain about the stupid toilet seat!!

Then there is the awkwardness. Yes folks, awkwardness. What else would you expect?? I live with a guy I am not currently banging. Of course, there is going to be awkwardness!!

First we have the general misconception of my husband's immediate family members who are of course saying stuff like "Oh what a whore! She's already moved another guy into the house!!"

Easily dealt with. Fuck them!!

Next, we have the fact that I have been unable to masturbate since he's moved in. This poses a MAJOR problem seeing I'm not currently banging ANYONE. And did I mention it's been a MONTH?? One month! 30 days!! Yes, and I am in my sexual prime thank you very much, so in translation that equals a year and a half.

Next we have the fact that he obviously does not share the same sexual boundaries as I do.

Sometime last week I awakened around midnight to the sound of the dog barking. Usually if I stand at the top of the stairs and threaten loudly to commit animal cruelty she will stop. So, when the barking persisted I climbed out of bed to threaten the dog into silence.

However, upon exiting my bedroom, I could also hear the sound of distressed panting along side of the barking. I got worried and decided to go downstairs for a visual check on Dippy. Upon inspection, Dippy appeared fine despite a rather guilty demeanor. So I returned upstairs.

Once I was at the top of the stairwell, I realized where the panting noise has transpired from, and it was indeed not from the dog. From my roomie's bedroom I could clearly make out the sound of a woman climaxing.

She sounded really great.

I was both embarrassed and jealous at the same time.

I want to climax dammit!!

So with a heavy sigh I returned back to bed, trying not to imagine the Princess sheets I had lovingly adorned Roomie's bed with getting tarnished in the throws of sexual passion.

I thought instead about MM. But then even those thoughts were tarnished as I imagined him with a woman that's already replaced me.

I know it sounds kinda sad, but its turning out to be okay.

My First Cartoon!!

I'm taking a digital imaging class that is currently trying to teach me photo shop tricks.... Tonight while I was screwing off studying I created this master piece depicting MM and Myself at the....

Demolition Derby! Whoot! Whoot!!

I went to the Demolition Derby with my estranged husband yesterday. It was AWESOME despite my mixed feelings toward my chosen company. One minute I wanted to hurl him over the railing into the oncoming collision and then later I wanted him to throw me up against one of the wrecks and ravage my naked body.

Here are some photos... No! Not of my naked body, but still pretty amazing!!

The "Thanks Dad" was from his daughter who was too pregnant to participate in the derby this year, so he took her place for her!! Gotta love New England!!

Great Garbage Patch

The other day I overheard a conversation about a pile of garbage floating out in the Pacific Ocean that has grown to be twice the size of Texas!! This Great Pacific Garbage Patch, as it is commonly called, consists mostly of discarded plastics.

At first when I heard this my mind conjured up images of floating footballs, and water bottles, old tires and various household utensils. I imagined a literal pile of garbage floating on top of the ocean like a land mass. Maybe it was because the idea was so revolting, maybe it was because it was too hard to fathom, or maybe it was because I just simply did not want to believe it that I decided to do a little research and find out for myself if such a thing truly did exist.

It does exist.

Not in the way that I had imagined, but perhaps worse.

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is an undetermined mass of partially dissolved plastics that is floating just under the water’s surface. In essence, it is like a constantly revolving snow globe with thousands of tiny plastic flakes stirring in a sickening frenzy below the surface.

It is believed that there is not just one of the plastic debris formations, but three. The other two formations are located in the North Atlantic and the Indian Ocean.

The first one was discovered in 1997 by Charles Moore who decided to take a more scenic route home from a sailing race. The “scene” Charlie found was floating garbage in the north Pacific Gyre.

When Charlie got home he phoned up one of his oceanographic friends and reported the mass of floating debris. Since then, the area has undergone extensive sampling and monitoring. Some say the area is not twice the size of Texas, but rather twice the size of the United States. However, nobody can give an exact size of this area because there are no set perimeters to define when the pollution levels exceed that of a “normal” level and when they become part of the area defined as a mass. The estimated weight of the floating garbage is 3.5 million tons!

For some reason that my simple mind has still yet to grasp, all these particles have been collected by the currents and trapped in one central location – an unusually still part of the ocean from what I gather.

The problem: We’re eating this trash!! Yep, true story. The poor little fishes are eating this stuff, and then the bigger fishes are eating the little fishes and then of course we are eating the big fishes! Related known health issues include infertility, birth defects, cancer, diabetes, etc.

The other problem: (Despite the obvious) Nobody wanted to step up to the plate to claim responsibility for the floating garbage, even though it’s been proven that the currents are collecting debris from North America and Japan. Therefore clean up efforts on this monstrosity were stalled for several years before the Great Pacific Garbage Patch Treaty was created in 2008.

Shortly after the treaty was formed, Richard Sundance Owen, a building contractor and scuba dive instructor, formed the Environmental Cleanup Coalition to address the issue of North Pacific pollution. ECC collaborates with other groups to identify methods to safely remove plastic from the ocean.

They actually ended up building these crafts specially designed to study and clean up the area. This was in 2009, but I haven’t been able to find any more recent information than this.

I was amazed that I had never even heard about this before and I started to wonder how many other people out there haven’t heard about it. I guess that’s why I decided to blog about it, to create awareness. Have you heard about this? I’m curious to know…  

I was inspired by the research I did on this and vowed to take at least one small step to improve the situation. My contribution? I bought a travel cup. Now when I stop for my morning ice coffee, I will fill the cup I brought with me instead of using a new disposable plastic cup each morning. At least then I’m creating a little less garbage in the world that could possibly end up…. Out there….

Unstable, Unfit & Unraveled

The custody battle over Girl Child has taken its toll on our family (mild understatement) so much so that MM and Girl Child are currently staying with family members. I can’t really share any of the pertinent details here, but there is one detail that has been growing on me like a tick getting fat under my skin.

Girl Child’s mother stated that I was unfit to care for Girl Child because I was “unstable”. Now, let’s explore that a little bit. Unstable how? That’s pretty frigging vague. Mentally unstable? Financially unstable?? Physically unstable?? Morally unstable?? Nope, just unstable in general, I guess.

This has been particularly irritating because I have tried so hard to be nothing but the best I can be with Girl Child at all times. At every opportunity, I have tried to set nothing but the best examples for her. Actually in truth, she brings out the best in me. When she’s in the car I’m acutely aware of my surroundings and following every traffic sign. When she’s in ear shot my vocabulary is censored and clean. When she is in eye sight I don’t even so much as pick my nose!

I won’t even drink so much as a glass of wine in front of her because she mimics my every action. Well, that and there was that one time she caught me drinking a glass of wine in the bathtub, which led to an uncomfortable conversation that went a little something like this:

“What are you drinking?”

Searching the ceiling for a way to dodge the question and finding none, I answered honestly.

“Wine.”

“Wine?”

“Yes, wine.”

Girl Child’s eyes growing to the size of saucers.

“Is that God’s wine???!!!”

Multiple answers running through my head: In theory…., I hope the hell not! If this was actually God’s wine it would be fermented to the level of lethal toxicity and I would be dead in about twenty minutes. Yes, it is God’s wine and when I’m finished drinking it I’ll be able to read the thoughts in every little girls’ mind!!!

Instead: “No, it’s not God’s wine”

(Ten points for me for good behavior!!)

But then, the voices of doubt started to throw shadows across my mind. Maybe I’m really not as great as I think I am. Maybe I am “unstable” and unfit to care for Girl Child. Lord knows I’ve had my moments that I was less than my best, but then again… doesn’t every one??

There was that time I told her lollipops were made by lollipop fairies in an underground factory beneath the street of New York – and she believed me!! Or the time we had a frosting fight and left the kitchen looking like decorated Christmas cookies. Or the time I accidentally mixed up the words to her lullabies and told her I was going to beat the tooth fairy until she was black and blue. (Thanks Toni for correcting me before I did permanent psychological damage to the child.)

The seeds of doubt took hold quickly and started to breed a corrupt little jungle in my head. So much so, that I even told MM that maybe it was best if I was out of the picture. That way my “unstable” nature couldn’t be used against him in the custody battle.

Of course there is much, much more to the bigger picture than my petty insecurities about my parenting abilities. However, it’s this one small piece that is particularly hurtful because I feel like I’ve tried so hard to be that perfect stable parent figure in her life. I felt like that was the one thing I was really good at, the one thing in my life that I haven’t screwed up, and then somebody comes along and says I’m not good enough.

I know this is ridiculous and I shouldn't let it bother me. I just would like to think instead of being hateful and jealous of my relationship with Girl Child, her mother would be grateful to have somebody in her daughter's life that loves her as much as I do.

  

Reality Challenged Dreamer

I've decided to assume a new identity!! With so many new changes in my life as of recent, I've decided that I no longer want to be defined by the man I chose to marry. I am me, not an attachment or shadow of somebody else. I need a title that is 100 percent mine!! So now, instead of being The Minute Man's Wife, I am....

drumroll please!!

Reality Challenged Dreamer!

Okay, so maybe it's not the most flattering name, but it fits me at this current junction in time.

I have been reality challenged in many ways throughout this past year and now I'm finally waking up to my dreams. Once I found the courage to open my eyes, I saw all my dreams and goals laid out in front of me and now I'm going to make them reality - no matter how challenging that may be!!

Stay tuned for more reality challenged dreams coming to a blog near you!! 

Wordy Wednesday: Martochist

My therapist referred to me as a martyr the other day. I'm not so sure if I'm not more of a masochist than a martyr.

Martyr - One who makes sacrafices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause or principle.

I would be dishonest if I said I didn't make a lot of sacrafices for other people, but then again, who doesn't? So let's consider this:

Masochist - one's whose actions illustrate their desire to inflict pain and suffering upon themselves.

See I guess I get hung up here on the word "desire". Do I desire pain and suffering? No, but I do bring it upon myself.

So dear urban dictionary, this Wordy Wednesday I have a word for YOU.

Martochist - One who inflicts pain upon themselves for the enjoyment of others.

Yep, I'm definitely a martochist!! I defintely don't mind making sacrafices for people that appreciate the helping hand, but helping people who just take and take and take with no consideration for others?? Well, not so much, but for some reason I keep doing it!!!

That's going to change though. I've set a new list of goals for myself to correct future reoccurrences of martochism.

Goals for Self Improvement:

1) Try to be more selfish



2) Get in touch with my inner bitch



3) Try to be less forgiving



4) Set boundaries and enforce them



5) Stop being a doormat



Yep, it's time to TOUGHEN UP BUTTERCUP!!

The Surreal Me

I've decided to make a huge leap of faith... in myself. I'm navigating through rough waters at home once again and feeling very secondary to both Minute Man and Girl Child. This is mostly because I am. However, I got some really good advice from a friend that said, "Don't treat somebody as a priority when they see you as only a mere after thought." She said that I should treat myself as the priority instead and well, that really hit home with me and as a result, I've decided to go back to school.

Minute Man seemed pleased with the idea but I get the feeling he was only trying to be polite as he didn't even ask me what I was going to be studying - nor did he remember when I told him what it was.

I would tell you all, but I thought it would be more fun if I let you guess. Here are a few hints.

• Blogger has actually inspired me in many ways to explore this new area, because I've seen a lot of cool stuff that other people can do with their websites and with making their own animations and other super creative art.
• It's a feild that I can use both my writing AND my artistic skills.
• It shouldn't take more than three years to complete if I take an average of three classes each season (including summer!)

Here are some more clues:

This is something I would like to learn how to do:

These are some things that inspire me:

And these are a few pictures (just for fun)  that I felt currently represented me.

Any guesses??? Anyone???

Wordy Wednesday: Poo Pride

Either I’m in a very agreeable mood or the words from Urban Dictionary this week are exceptionally creative. Seeing, I’m feeling not at all agreeable I’m going with the later. I’m actually quite excited to share my new word picks with you folks for my Wordy Wednesday post.

Condomplate - to contemplate whether or not a condom is needed in the heat of a sexual act.

Urban Dictionary: Like

My Rating: Like

I’m not a dude but I can certainly appreciate this term. I imagine if I WAS a dude, I would appreciate it even more.

Guilt Wave - The wave given by a driver who just cut in ahead of you in traffic or knowingly did something that is completely wrong on the road.

Urban Dictionary: Like

My Rating: Like

Come on! You know you’ve done it!! I think we’ve ALL been guilty of the guilt wave at least once in our lives. Ooops! So I just pulled out in front of you causing you to slam on your brakes, spilling hot coffee all over your unmentionables and making you swear dirty cuss words with your infant child in the back seat. Yep. Guilty of the guilt wave!!!

Poo Pride - High esteem obtained through the sight of the length, girth, or quantity of one's poo. Poo Pride is often left unmentioned, unless one takes a photo, or pulls someone over to look into the toilet bowl to gaze upon the glory of the recently-dumped poo.

Urban Dictionary: Like

My Rating: Like

Normally, I would be too disgusted by this term to actually consider using it. However, I worked the entire summer with two teenage boys and was unfortunate enough to witness first hand that this kind of behaviorism truly does exist. (Just keep this in mind next time a seventeen year old holds up his phone and asks you if you want to see a funny picture!) Therefore, I warrant the term necessary and with that of good merit.

Eater’s Remorse - The deep feeling of regret one feels after eating a large some of food, eating something unhealthy, or just eating in general.

Urban Dictionary: Like

My Rating: Like

This term just has a real pleasant ring to it. It actually sounds like a legitimate legal term. Just the other night when our power was out and MM offered me a fresh piece of fried dough from the night club’s kitchen, I should have had Eater’s Remorse but I’m a food heathen. I’ll eat it even if I know it’s wrong just because I know I can. Sometimes I have Drinker’s Remorse, although I think this is more commonly referred to as a hang over.

Now I will wow you with my amazing ability to weave words on a Wednesday.

Ahem!!

Hiram was driving home from dinner at his parent’s house when he accidentally cut somebody off in traffic. He realized immediately that had he been paying attention to traffic instead of studying the picture on his iphone of the glorious poo he had taken after the meal, he wouldn’t be listening to the sound of profanities assaulting him from behind. Hiram gave the angry driver behind him a Guilt Wave to make the situation feel slightly less embarrassing. Then he went back to studying the picture he had taken of his marvelous poop. Somehow it helped ease the feeling of Eater’s Remorse he was experiencing from helping himself to a third helping of banana crème pie.

However, Hiram quickly forgot all about his Poo Pride when he pulled into Heather’s driveway and found her washing her car wearing only a skimpy red bikini. The wet fabric of the bikini clung to her body, revealing a set of very pronounced nipples that seemed to be beckoning him to exit his vehicle.

Hiram was drawn to the nipples through an out of worldly force that was transmitting encrypted codes directly to his penis. The seemingly unaware Heather bounced over to Hiram for a friendly greeting.

“Hi baby!” she said and planted a friendly kiss on his mouth.

Hiram interpreted the friendly kiss as an invitation to throw her body down on the hood of the soapy vehicle and remove her clothing with his teeth - which he did without hesitation.

Heather moaned under his groping hands and finally broke free of his grasp only for a moment to ask:

“Do you have a condom??”

Hiram in his electro-magnet nipple trance had forgotten his wallet in the car. He looked back over his shoulder at the car, which seemed miles away but in reality was merely three steps away from Heather.

He entered into a painfully brief moment where he stopped groping Heather’s breast to condomplate. Should he admit there was a condom in the car and risk ruining the moment? Or should he feign being condomless and hope she would still let his penis decode her encrypted messages??

Hiram decided to play it safe.

“It’s in my car,” he answered in his most throaty voice.

“Okay,” Heather panted.

Hiram released Heather’s left breast and began the treacherous journey back to his vehicle.

Just then, Heather’s cell phone rang and the encrypted message now took on a more familiar language.

“Hi Mom, is everything ok?” Heather’s voice full of concern answered the phone.

Hiram knew that his chances of decoding Heather were over, so he returned to his own phone to marvel once again at his splendid banana crème pie poop. He welcomed the familiar warmth of Poo Pride as it filled his… heart.

(Okay, so maybe I got a little carried away...)

What's your favorite Urban Dictionary word? Mine is definitely Poo Pride!

Author's note: I tried posting this last night but Blogger was being a little bitch.