The Stone Whisperer

I met somebody!! I actually met this person four years ago. We had a common friend and kept running into each other at social events. The last time I saw him was at a show performed by a local band whose members were our mutual friends. We sat next to each other at the bar and made conversation for most of the night. When I went to leave he tried to give me his number, but I politely declined because I was already in a relationship with Minute Man. (Had I known Minute Man would have turned out to be a two timing jerk I would have taken his number and dumped Minute Man on the spot.) I liked The Stone Whisperer but I was already completely devoted to Minute Man.

So now our paths have once again crossed and knowing that I was no longer committed to Minute Man, The Stone Whisperer put himself out there once again - and this time I accepted his advances. 

We went out on our first date tonight - and it was Awesome!!

We had drinks and appetizers at a local bar - and he made me laugh. This might not sound like much, but the only person that has made me laugh in the last three months has been my BFF, Sparrow. This guy has it all. He's funny and charming and polite and handsome and very, very RANDOM.  I like that. I like that he's unpredictable.

After drinks we went back to his place. He's renting an old historic home on the historical homes registry, so of course I went ga-ga over all the features in his home, like the sliding indoor shutters on his windows in case of Indian attacks. And the original fireplaces. And what really got me was his collection of art that he painted. He's a  painter!! And I'm going to school for a degree in art!! I love that!! He doesn't make his living that way though. He works as a stone mason, so yes, he's built. Plus, he collects antiques which is OMG Sexy!! He had this old quilt that was hand sewn in 1930 with pieces of men's suits.

I'm trying not to get too excited, but I obviously have a lot in common with this guy. He tried to kiss me and I turned away. I liked him too much to let him kiss me the first try. I told him exactly that.

So he tried again as we parted for the night and I let him kiss me that time. It was warm and gentle and very comfortabe. It was obvious that's all he wanted. He just wanted to kiss me good-night and nothing more. I liked that. I pressed my body against his during the kiss to let him know I was enjoying it.

He said he wanted to see me again. I hope he wasn't just being polite because I would really like to see him again too.

Oh! Me So Horny!! Letter to Santa

I have a problem. I'm extremely horny. I feel like if I don't get laid soon I might explode. (That's not the problem though.) I've had several opportunities to have sex, but each time, I declined. See I have this little hang up that it needs to mean something. Damn morals ruin ALL my fun!!

Stupid integrity!

So now what? I'm at my sexual peak and my stupid morals are getting in the way of having a good time with the next handsome fellow that looks my way.

I thought and thought and I've finally come up with a solution. Santa!! (No, no! Not like that!! What kind of sick freak do you think I am?? Actually... ok yes, I confess, Santa has not been left off limits in my frequent sexual fantasies. I'm horny ok? So if a fat man in a red suit wants to grant my Christmas wish then so be it!!) Err. Nevermind all that... what I was getting at is this: My letter to Santa!!

Dear Santa:

I really want a fucketydo 90000 (turbo engine if you have that in stock) My friend swears it will eliminate the desire for a man in my life.

I think this will not only benefit myself, but the general community at large. See Santa, I'm ready to fuck the shit outta anything that moves, so a toy like this could probably save a lot of innocent lives.

I've been really good this year, but I think there's room for improvement... if you know what I mean??

OXOXO
Minute Man's X-Wife

P.S. Meet me behind the Christmas Tree and I'll show you a version of Jingle Bells you'll never forget!!

The Power of Apology

The one thing that bothers me the most about finding out that my husband cheated on me, after I emptied my bank account to help him hire a lawyer to keep his child, is that he’s never told me that he’s sorry. Doesn’t that sound weird??

I mean really, at this point what would an apology accomplish? It’s like deliberately setting someone on fire, and then when they are still smoldering saying to them, “I’m sorry, that must have hurt.” I’m willing to go out on a limb here and say there isn’t a whole lot of good that can come from that.