Wordy Wednesday: Fartriloquism

Now that the semester has started back up again I can predict that my Wordy Wednesdays will once again become unpredictable. So get it while it’s hot folks!! Here are my ratings for the most recent terms sited on Urban Dictionary!

Fartriloquism - Art of “throwing” one's farts in such a way that the sound and/or smell seems to come from a source other than the farter.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Down

My Rating: Thumbs Up

I was right on the cuff with this one. However, after some deep soul searching I decided to give fartriloquism my thumbs up rating. I think the final deciding factor in this judgment was recalling how my ex used to blame his passed gas on a flock of ducks – and I believed him at least once. Now that’s talent folks!!

Eye Broccoli - opposite of eye candy, someone unappealing to look at

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Down

My Rating: Thumbs Down

I couldn’t give this one my thumbs up rating because I think it encourages mean spirited thinking. Why can’t we all just get along???

Petri Douche - Petri Douche: A place/location where a lot of douchebags are known to congregate.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up

My Rating: Thumbs Up

And this is where I appear to become a complete hypocrite. Why give this term my thumbs up after rejecting the Eye Broccoli? I’ll tell you why! This term right here puts a general population at the mercy of mean spirited thinking, rather than singling out an individual. Singling out individuals in a negative manner based solely upon their looks is wrong folks! Singling out a small group of people based upon their predictably bad behavior, well that’s just fine. 

501k - When one’s economic situation has become so tenuous that their entire net worth is in the pockets of their jeans.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Down

My Rating: Thumbs Down

This term fails on so many different levels, it is astounding. First of all, individuals of the female gender can tell you that the last scraps of their financial well-being will never be found in the pocket of their jeans. (We have other places for that sorta thing) Secondly, Levi 501?? Please, there are SO many other varieties of jeans out there. To single it down to just one pair is pretty much sacrilegious in my book. 

Congressional Review - To loosely read or breeze through a document, likely missing a fair amount of the information contained within.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up

My Rating: Thumbs Up

Being a student, there is no way I couldn’t find appreciation for this term. In fact, just the other day my art professor told the class to “skim through” the first six chapters of the book. I can hardly wait to report back to her that I completed the Congressional Review of those first six chapters!!

Now I will astound and amaze you with my ability to weave these words into a friendly little fable starring some of my most loyal followers.

Daydream Believer and Mrs. One Day were hanging out at their local Petri Douche because their club of choice was closed for renovations.

“I can’t believe we even bothered coming here,” moaned Daydream Believer. “I’ve never seen so many douchebags congregated in one location.”

Mrs. One Day paused, looking up from her Congressional Review of last month’s edition of Cosmopolitan and scanned the crowd. 

“Mmm, look at that douchebag over there with his gangsta pants hanging below his knees,” Mrs. One Day agreed.

“Now that’s a fine piece of Eye Broccoli for ya,” chimed Daydream Believer.

Just then the aforementioned gangsta pants douchebag walked by the table where Daydream Believer and Mrs. One Day were sitting.

The sound of a reverberating fart echoed from behind Daydream Believers seat. Mrs. One Day’s eyes widened with shock.

“Daydream Believer!! That was offensive!!” stated Mrs. One Day

“What???” Daydream Believer exclaimed. “That wasn’t me!!”

Mrs. One Day raised her eyebrow and shot a pointed look of suspicion toward Daydream Believer.

“It wasn’t!!” Daydream Believer insisted. “It was gangsta pants over there! He must be a master at fartriloquism. He threw his fart to make it sound like it was me!!”

Gangsta Pants, hearing mention of his persona looked in their direction.

“Damn baby you could take that to the girlie’s room next time!” Gangsta Pants stated with a slight wave of his hand in front of his nose.

Daydream Believer’s jaw dropped in indignant protest.

“That’s it!” said Mrs. One Day. “No more popcorn for you!”

Gangsta Pants nodded solemnly in agreement and went about his way.

“I’ll swear on everything in my 501k it wasn’t me!!” cried Daydream Believer.

She reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out a button and a blue lint ball.

Mrs. One Day put her hand impatiently on her hip.

“That’s convincing,” said Mrs. One Day.

“But, but…” Daydream Believer continued in her own defense.

“Yeah, your butt stinks! Now off to the ladies’ room with you!” said Mrs. One Day.

“fartriloquism…” Daydream Believer trailed off pointing her finger across the room at Gangsta Pants.

“I don’t want to hear anymore of that mumbo jumbo, now Go!” said Mrs. One Day firmly.

Daydream Believer obediently got off her stool and headed toward the ladies’ room. This was the last time she was ever coming into a Petri Douche like this one.