Not So Simply Single said it best when she said I should take time to grieve and then just go out and f*** somebody. I took that advice, but not exactly in that order. Now that I’ve F****** somebody, some immature part of me thinks the “score is settled” and now I can allow myself to be sad about the daughter (she was really my step-daughter, but I loved her like she was my own) and husband that I have lost.
Reflectively, I have realized that I loved Minute Man and Girl Child far more than I ever thought. I naively thought that there was one, and only one, man that I would love more than any other. I was wrong about that. I love Minute Man more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I look at both men now and see them as night and day.
One is struggling in life, but maintains an indestructibly positive attitude. The other has succeeded in every area life, but displays a bitterly negative attitude. Honestly, I would rather be with a man who has nothing that is enhanced by a positive attitude, rather than a man who has everything that is diminished by a negative attitude. Because really, no matter what cards life deals you, isn’t attitude the only thing that makes the difference between a good hand and a bad hand?
I suppose all that is neither here nor there though. I didn’t leave Minute Man because of his attitude or his position in life. I left him because he (in my eyes) walked out on our marriage during a time that I felt I was successfully making the hardest sacrifices a wife could ever be asked to make. How does a man walk out on his woman when she’s doing nothing more than standing by his side through the hardest battle of his life when nobody else would?? Bah! But at some point the reflection stops… and the memory of how unhappy I was takes hold and I push forward because somewhere, deep down, I was prepared for him to break my heart.
However that still leaves Girl Child because, deep down, I could never have been prepared for the impact she would leave on my heart. I tried to prepare for the possibility of losing her by setting boundaries. I always thought that there was a limit to how far into my heart I would let her.
I did this because a more realistic part of me knew there was a chance that Minute Man might not last forever, and at that point, I wouldn’t face losing just him. I would lose her too.
I can’t have children of my own, so losing her might mean losing my only chance of knowing the love between mother and child. And let’s get real, who the hell wants to ever risk something of that magnitude? So, I did my best to love her from a distance.
I realize now, if I had succeeded at that, I would not have kept one of her stuffed animals when she left. I realize now, if I had succeeded, her pictures would not still be hanging above the fireplace. I realize now, if I had succeeded, I would not be fighting back tears as I type these words.
However, that too, is neither here not there, and I cannot dwell on what I have lost, but only on what I will do with what is left.
Through it all, what is left is me. In fact, I am a stronger version of me than which existed five years ago. This wiser version will learn from her mistakes and rebuild from ground zero, smarter and better prepared for the next time she is foolish enough to give her heart away to a man - and his child.
I’m willing to bet in five years from now, I might be reflecting again on the loves of my life and realize that neither of these men were right for me because I will have met the one that makes both men pale in comparison. I’m willing to bet this because, reflectively, each time I fall in love, it is deeper and more powerful than the last.
So here’s to phases and reflections! May the information glaring back at us be used in preparation for creating a brighter future.
I understand completely what you mean about the difference attitude makes. Even when things are terrible in every other way, being with someone who has a positive attitude helps you see the bright side, and it feels like they're trying support your needs more. Unfortunately, my husband has been a bit grumpy the last couple of months. Hopefully he comes out of it, because when he's grumpy, so am I, and I don't like it.
ReplyDeleteYour positive attitude at the end of this post is a good sign that you're getting stronger all the time. Hang in there.
Is there anyway you would still be allowed in the little girls life? I suppose not. But you can still keep the love of her in you heart. It does seem that theonlyone you can count on to always, always be there for you is God. And you are right about attitude. Right on track. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteToday is the 1 year anniversary of when my ex dropped the bomb of "trial separation" on me - at a point where I had no idea we were having issues (well, I guess him wanting to f*** someone else would be an issue, but I didn't really know that at the time!).
ReplyDeleteHang in there... you hit everything right on. You ARE stronger, you ARE wiser, next time WILL be better because of what you have learned.
Great positive thinking! I know you are right about five years from now!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of this five years from now i hope you are happy, and i hope i am too. But i learned something today, i learned we create alot of our own trauma by projecting it. I know that's true with me, and after reading this blog i see it in you. You always thought the possibility of losing MM and girl child was there, you never excepted that it might not be there, that you might be with him for ever. I do the same thing, when you have had such lives as ours its easier to project failure, then to project happiness.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to say that i'm glad i have been shown this, i will start to project happiness, and practice on receiving whats there today. I hope you do the same..
Chin up!
ha.... that's funny. that is pretty much what I just posted about: http://sangriasmiles.blogspot.com/2012/05/glass.html. We all just must be on the same page today!
DeleteHey you. It's been a while and for that, I apologize. Keep your head up lady. What hurts us, can only make us stronger. I pray that this finds you well.
ReplyDeleteIt's always important to reflect on what has gone...but you seem to have a positive outlook and who knows where tomorrow will lead you :)
ReplyDeleteThe tone of your writing sounds stronger, more upbeat and optimistic, even when dealing with painful memories. Holy crap, are you growing as a person? While that's great for you, some of us who have been stuck in stasis since five years of age, might be inspired to do our own self-assessment. Ugh. I hope not. Maybe I can just have vicarious emotional growth through you.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I hope for nothing but happiness for you.
Monday was the 8th anniversary of my first date with Tony. It was also the day that my final papers came for my divorce.
ReplyDeleteSo funny that both things happened on the same day, just 3 hours apart. The end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.
I have been reflecting on both a lot lately. And I think when anyone can reflect on their life, that s the only way they can truly grow as a person. :)
Here's to 5 years from now and making all the healthy steps now to get there!
ReplyDeleteAnd here's to a brighter day and another one and another one and.... Lil Dreamer, I don't have to tell a smart-n-strong woman like yourself that every now and then we all reflect on our lives and we sometimes come to realize how much a person who's no longer around us really meant to us. It hurts but it is necessary to eventually arrive at some kind of closure. I don't know what the future has in store, but there are always possibilities. Don't fight back your tears unless you're typing and your keyboard gets all watery and your laptop is about to short circuit. ;) To cry is to be human.
ReplyDeleteI just realized the last time I cried was August 10, 2008, so please ignore that last remark. ;)
DeleteI can only imagine how hard it was to lose Girl Child. I can't have children either and have never been with a man that already had a child of his own, but I know that your heart is big and there was no way that you could have kept Girl Child at a distance to protect your heart. You love too big for that. I do know how it feels to lose someone you thought was the one and only. My first husband was that for me, but then I met the man I'm married to now and he is so kind and wonderful and supportive that I don't know how I could ever have thought I couldn't love again after my first husband. He's better for me and that is something that I hold dear. He makes me a better me and for that I am so grateful. You will find that too. I know you will.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteDeeply.
I know for sure that someday, you will have a man that can give you the children you want and deserve. Just because you can't have children, doesn't mean that someday, somehow you will be a mother.
I never bore children, but have mothered many a child. I adopted a young gal about 8 years ago, she married and has two sweet darlings that I call my grandkids. They call me Nona, (grandma in Italian) and love me as if I were their real grandma.
Don't lose faith precious one.
You can mark my words... THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
I promise!