Reconnecting with My Dark Roots

It was a murky overcast day in my part of New England today, which was fine by me because it was a perfect reflection of my mood. 

I've really been in a funk since Roomie has moved out. It's the emptiness. I'm alone in an enormous house full of empty rooms. That has got to play on anybody's psyche. At least, I am aware of why I am feeling this way and not giving into my feelings of sadness. 

Today, I drew this for my art class and I was all like: "Wow, hello dark side! Glad to see you're still in tact!! I love you!!"

I've been thinking about Minute Man a lot, naturally, given my recent state of loneliness.  He was supposed to come over today and fix something that was broken in the house. He offered and I accepted knowing full well he could not be depended on - and lo and behold he was a no show!! Imagine that!! 

I have to laugh. I am so glad I can see the humor in the situation. It's funny because nearly every time I give him a chance to impress me, he lets me down. Funny how life has a way of reminding us of the lessons we have already supposed to have learned!! 

I will either fix it myself or have Shrek fix it for me when he returns. It's really not a big deal. 

I am actually grateful that happened because the last thing I need right now is Minute Man rushing to my rescue. It was a perfect little reminder of why I am where I am and everything is exactly as it is supposed to be. 

Like the roots of this old tree, some things take a strong hold and cannot be easily shaken. Regardless of what changes have recently blown in, my feet are still planted firmly on the ground. 

Spring Transformations

As the warmer air comes in and thaws frozen ground, I feel the same transformation happening within me. The icy cold shell that anger had formed over my heart has now begun to melt away.

I’m finding there is still quite a bit of sadness lingering beneath those frosty layers, but now that I’ve gotten through the anger, I’m better able to deal with those sad feelings.

I started removing items from the house that remind me of Minute Man and Girl Child. I was embarrassed to realize that I had been holding on to these things, like I had been holding on to hope that somehow I would wake up in the morning sunshine to find that everything that has happened over the last six months has been nothing more than a bad dream.

I painted over the pink walls in Girl Child’s old bedroom. I disassembled her lemonade stand one bolt at a time when really I just wanted to throw it out into the street and let the oncoming traffic do the grunt work. I’ve thrown out the gravestone rubbing Minute Man and I made together. I’ve taken down his photo that was still hanging above the stove.

All this “spring cleaning” has really left me feeling quite sad. I hadn’t made the connection to my recent funk until my BFF pointed it out to me. “It’s the final good-bye” she told me and she hit the nail on the head. I hadn’t realized that is what I was doing, but that felt exactly right.

I’ve finally come to accept that this is reality. It really sunk in last night when my room mate didn’t come home. I was alone in an enormous old house full of empty rooms.

My room mate, for those of you that were not aware, is my best friend’s little brother. He’s getting ready to move out to California to be with some chick he met on the Internet. Personally, I think she’s going to harvest his kidney and leave him in a tub full of ice, but that’s just my opinion. Best of luck to you Roomie!

It looks like I MIGHT have a new room mate lined up. A co-worker of mine has a gay (male) friend that is moving into the area and needs a place to stay. Crap! If I had known that, I might not have painted over the pink walls!! Is that offensive to assume? I hope that’s not offensive to the male gay community.

So what has this post and all these new discoveries amounted to? This is what:

"Remember that "seeing is believing" puts the cart before the horse. Art is the concrete artifact of faith and expectation, the realization of a world that would otherwise be little more than a veil of pointless consciousness stretched over a gulf of mystery." - Stephen King

My art teacher said this is my best work ever. She asked what about this sketch was different from the others. The answer that came out of my mouth was like a light bulb illuminating a long forgotten attic full of treasure.

“I had an emotional connection to the subject,” I said choking on the last word.

The sea shell was also another object, I needed to face. I had given it to Minute Man shortly after we parted. He left it with me, telling me to hang on to it until he returned. I did hold on to it, hoping the day would come where he could say or do something would right the thing he did to make me feel so wronged. I’ve finally accepted that day is not coming.

To me, the shell represents my heart. It’s the former home of an elusive creature that has been protected by a hard shell.  It is deep and dark and although you can look inside, there are parts that are still hidden from the light. However, it is vacant now and there is space for a new tenant to take up residency, if they’re not afraid of the dark. 

My Sexy Lemon

I can't wait until classes are over! Seriously, this whole education thing is cutting into my blogging time and I don't really appreciate that! On a brighter note, I'm creating some really cool charcoal art like this...

I was really proud of this because it was the first picture I drew that mastered the "implied line". I brought it home and slapped in down on the kitchen table to show it off to my room mate. I said: "See my sexy lemon that I drew in class today?!!"

The corner of his lips turned up and he said, "yeah, it looks like a nipple."

WHAT??!!!

Then I drew this for my midterm project:

I totally got an A too. Mine was the second best drawing in the class. Of course, the teacher couldn't say that, but I know she was totally thinking it. First best was done by a fourth year student, so there was no way I could have competed with that, right?

Anyways, now that all of you can see what has been taking up my time maybe you'll forgive me for my absence. I have not forgotten yous!!

Judgement Day: Shrek or Homer

This post is brought to you by our lovely lady Gia, who kindly suggested I let my viewers decide for themselves whether or not my new suitor bears resemblance to Shrek.

Apparently, he thinks he looks more like Homer Simpson. However, I think if he were to consider Shrek as an alternative he would find Shrek a much better match.

I think his personality is much more suited toward Shrek because he's a far more debonaire than the beer swizzling Homer Simpson, and he totally has a cat who is a more of a lover than a fighter.

So here we go do you see the resemblance? 

 

Shrek Bewteen the Sheets

Oh how I have missed you, my bloggy minions!! I’m sorry that we’ve been apart for so long. I’ve been busy. Ok, that’s not exactly true. Well, it is, but to be more accurate I should say, I’ve been busy getting swept off my feet!

There is a new kid in town and he quickly set himself apart from all the other guys I’ve let take me out. I’ve already sorta nicknamed him Shrek, because he does bear some resemblance. However, he doesn’t know about this nickname. It’s just one I like to call him in my head – and now in my blog. 

He's kinda cute dontcha think?

Shrek and I have gone out on a couple of dates over the last three or four weeks. He’s funny, sweet and very respectful. He’s from the old school where chivalry and manners are still very much in tact. He travels a lot because he works as a backline technician for a various touring bands (including the Deftones!) so he’s very cultured. He got me a teddy bear from London. If that doesn’t scream cultured, I don’t know what does!

This guy has done everything exactly right. In fact, I was so impressed that I even broke my five date rule for him! Yep, well you know, it was our fourth date and he was leaving the next day to go on tour for three weeks so… I thought it only proper to give him a memorable sending off.

The thing is, I have dated several guys over the last six months, and I haven’t slept with any of them – until now. So I had to ask myself what was it about this guy that was different? Or maybe, I should ask: What about me is different? The one answer that came back to me was Shrek makes me feel safe. I haven’t felt safe with anyone in a very long time. Now whether that’s something he did, or something I allowed to happen remains unknown. All I know, is I find myself smiling a lot more often these days.