Relationship Advice from Dr. Phil (and Mom)

I recently finished reading “Love Smart” by Dr. Phil. Before you start judging me, I’ll have you know that my mother sent it to me in the mail. I think it was her gentle way of saying: “You suck at relationships and here is the professional help we all think you need.”

Thanks Mom.

(I can’t wait to see your face when you see what I got you for your birthday.)

Anyways, after glaring resentfully at the book over a period of six months, I decided to actually pick it up and thumb through it one day. I read the first chapter and was laughing my butt off!! Dr. Phil you are such a witty rascal!! 

After reading one of the excerpts from e-mails that were sent to Dr. Phil asking him for dating advice, I realized that he had not written this book targeted at women like me.

One excerpt read: “My last blind date picked me up at the high-rise. We walked out to where a number of cars were parked. He opened the car door, put me in and walked around the back of the car, got into his car and left!! I was sitting in some stranger’s car! I will hunt him down if it takes the rest of my life!”

Clearly, this woman is a dumb-ass. Her first tip off should have been when he said “meet me at the high-rise”. Secondly, what the hell is she thinking getting into a car with a man she has never met before?? I knew better at the age of six to do anything like that!

Thanks Mom. 

Yet nonetheless, I was still entertained enough to keep reading.

However by the end of Chapter Two, where Dr. Phil pointed out that you teach people how to treat you, I knew I wasn't completely exempt from his target audience. I realized I might actually benefit from some of the material in this book when the following checklist hit a little too close to home:

1. Would I prefer more respectful treatment from guys?

Yeah, how about 90 percent of guys I’ve met. How about that.

2. Do I go along with what others want more often than not?

Umm… guilty as charged.

3. Do I put the feelings of others above my own?

Sometimes. Why are you judging me?

4. Do I often ignore, deny or overlook my true feelings?

I’m not sure how I feel about that question.

5. Am I afraid if I don’t do what others want, they will leave?

Not really, I know they're going to leave eventually.

Turns out, according to the book, if you answered yes to just one of these questions you are teaching people to treat you badly. Huh, how about that. Maybe I do need professional help after all.

Thanks Mom.

  
In Chapter Three, I learned that self-esteem really wasn’t my issue. It was more so that I was afraid of getting hurt.

In another interrogating questionnaire about inner personal truths, I surprised myself when I answered yes to the following question:

Do I feel unworthy of love?

Considering though, that I answered in the negative to all the other self-destructive questions I think I fared pretty well in the confidence department. But still, I was bothered enough by actually answering yes to the one question above that I needed to face up to Chapter Four: Single - There Are No Accidents.

Thanks, Mom.

In Chapter Four, I realized that my self-confidence level wasn’t necessarily the issue. It was more so that I was afraid of failure and getting hurt. Somewhere, deep down, I always believed that Minute Man was going to hurt me. I believed it, so it became a truth. It was a reality that I may have created simply by believing it. 

By this point in the book, I began to understand my reality is created by my inner thoughts and beliefs. If I could recognize some of that destructive inner dialogue and turn it around, I might be able to create a new reality for myself. I suppose this is the foundation for almost any self-help book, but sometimes we all just need a little reminder to be kinder to ourselves. 

I took a couple of weeks to work on getting those “nay saying saboteurs” out of my system and moved on to Chapter Five: Your Inner Bride.

(Subtly was never one of Mom’s strong points) 

Chapter Five confirmed, basically what I already knew. I’ve got it going on. I’ve got presence. I’ve got style. I’ve got personality. I’ve got content and I’ve got appearance.

“It’s better to be looked over than overlooked” - Mae West

Blah, blah, blah I already know how awesome I am. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was, I didn’t think I deserved or was capable of having a successful and loving relationship and I’ve addressed that so on to Chapter Six- Your Guy-Q

“Men don’t like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to… you know… lower cuddling.” - Ray Barone. 

Holy crap!! What an eye-opening chapter!! I learned more about the way guys think in this chapter than I’ve learned my in my entire life experience!!

For instance, ladies did you know that men find learning emotions as hard as most of us find learning algebra???  A hurt feeling to a guy computes to women like a trigonometry equation!! Wow, talk about a life changing perspective!! Holy crap, everything makes so much more sense now!!

He would be out of his depth in a bird bath. (Duly noted.)

Seriously, I learned so much about the difference between men and women in this chapter that I feel like I could conquer a small village right now.

Thanks Mom!!! 

I didn’t think I was going to find any valuable information in Chapter Seven: Your Man Plan, because I find attracting men has always been fairly easy for me. However, what I did learn was how to attract the right KIND of guy and how to keep him interested.

Unlike some of my friends, who shall remain nameless, I don’t just go hop into bed with any random dude and THEN start dating him because I already know what the book confirms in chapter seven:

Men think women that sleep with them on the first date are great, but not the marrying type.

However, I have been guilty of offering to much of myself too soon in other ways. I think one of my biggest mistakes in past relationships has been being subservient to the men I am attracted to and giving them everything they want. I’ve learned that this kind of behavior only teaches men how to take you for granted.

Ouch. Thanks Mom.

In Chapter Eight: Fishing with a “Net” introduces the idea of internet dating. I don’t know if I’m exactly ready to take that leap.

Dr. Phil says if you want to make a meaningful connection you might have to step outside your comfort zone. If that’s true, I think I’ll just start going to church.

(Don’t think for a second Mom, that I don’t know what you’re up to here!)

In chapter nine there are some subtle hints on how to find out if a guy will make a quality partner without sending him running for the hills. Basically, if you want to know what to expect from a guy in marriage take a good long look at the way his father treated his mother.

(Ouch. Another blow to the gut! I wish I knew more about Minute Man’s childhood before I married him!)

Official disclaimer: I have met guys out there that did not have the best role model parents, and did everything in their power to be the complete opposite of his father. I know not every guy is just like his father, but looking back on most of my experiences I do find that to be true.

Chapter ten talks about the phobias men have regarding commitment and how to combat those fears. I’ve never really had a hard time getting men to want to commit to me, it’s the staying committed part that I’ve found to be most challenging!!

Still, I found this chapter interesting because it discussed the basic needs of men which was a subject I found educational. For instance, men really crave a women’s approval and want their women to be proud of them.

(Another ouchie.)

Reflecting back on my marriage here, I wish I had told Minute Man more how proud I was of all the work he attempted to do on the house. I realize now, he really didn’t know what he was doing. He was just trying to impress me.

Chapters eleven and twelve talk about how to maintain a healthy and successful relationship. However, I think that is a bit premature right now seeing I haven’t even been on a date in months.

So what I thought was going to be a corny laugh fest actually turned out to be a very educational and insightful tool for past, present and future relationships. It helped me understand what I could have done differently in past relationships. It helped me change my thinking toward my present dating situation (or lack thereof) and it gave me some useful tips to apply toward future relationships. My thanks is to you Dr. Phil          
                              

(and thanks Mom!!)

I feel a lot better now!

Man of the House

In my opinion, selecting a roommate is one of the riskiest decisions you’ll ever have to make. It’s not like you can trade them in if the gas mileage isn’t what you expected or paint them to match your furniture.

Once you’ve selected a roommate, you’re pretty much stuck with them for a while. So that’s why you shouldn’t enter into such agreements lightly. I have found, in my experience, it is best to set your expectations low and be willing to make some compromises. Also, keep a back up plan handy if things go sour: 

When Minute Man moved out, I took in my best friend’s little brother as a roommate. Sure, I had doubts, seeing he was an ex-convict and all, but for the most part it worked out alright. I still have all my jewelry, the house didn’t burn down and I wasn’t stabbed. So, I came out a winner. (See what I mean by setting your expectations low?)

However, once Convict Roomie got a whiff of freedom he decided he wanted to spread his wings and fly… to California. Fly away little bird, fly away!! Sure, after I counted all my silverware and realized it was all accounted for, I’ll admit I was kind of sorry to see him go. 

Lucky for me, he had a twin brother that was now looking for accommodations!! This twin just got dumped by his wife of eight years, so right away we found common ground. However, I had my doubts about Twin Roomie as well. He was never in federal lock down, but he certainly has a history of getting into trouble.

I eventually decided it’s better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, and agreed to give it a try with Twin Roomie. After all, he had been married for eight years. At least, this one had been domesticated and might even know how a dish washer works. 

It’s been five weeks now, and let me tell you, they may be twins but they are night and day! When Convict Roomie moved in, I was sort of hoping that once again this creaky old building would have a Man of the House to take care of it’s high maintenance demands.

Minute Man had checked out long before he physically left and I had been caring for the lawn, the gardens and the general upkeep of this enormous old house all by myself. Just keeping it clean is a full time job, never mind tending to the yard and gardens. Trust me, by the time he left, I had a full appreciation for everything Minute Man did do when his heart was still in it.

So when Convict Roomie came along, I was all like Oh Goodie!! I’ll have someone to shovel the driveway, mow the lawn, tend to the landscaping, schlep wood pellets and fix broken things again!! Oh dear sweet Reality Challenged Girl, do your misguided delusions know no end?? 

Although Convict Roomie was relatively tidy, he never lifted a finger in the direction of general upkeep, never mind Man of the House stuff. So I sort of figured his brother wouldn’t be much different. Again, I was so wrong!!

My house has never been cleaner and he mows the lawn too!! 

He does the dishes - even my dishes!! 

He does laundry - even my laundry!! (Although, initially I found it a bit awkward to have a strange man handling my g-strings, I warmed up to the idea real quick when I realized that they smelled of lavender and found he even used fabric softener!!) 

Now hold on to your hats folks, he even offers to cook  me dinner!! Seriously, if any of you folks knew how long it has been since anyone has offered to cook dinner for me, it would bring tears to your eyes.

Last week, I realized that I had struck the roommate lottery when he replaced the nasty toilet seat that Minute Man had brought home from the flipping bar, with a brand new shiny one from the store!!! 

AND - he pays his rent in advance. Oh SNAP!! Not only is there a Man of the House again, he’s financially reliable and he wears an apron too!!

Kitty Pedophile

I did something yesterday that was so bizarre and borderline freakish, that I couldn’t decide whether I should never speak of it to anyone or exploit myself on my own blog. Now one of those two options clearly sounds more fun than the other, and you my dear readers are about to reap the benefits!!

Each morning when I wake up, my cat, Seven, races me to the kitchen where he proceeds to weave his long body around my calves and ankles. If I don’t pick him up, he will proceed to try and clean his gums on my toes. So I usually opt to pick him up so he can give me some kitty love rather than face the risk of bodily injury or worse: the scorn of an unhappy cat!  

Yesterday morning Seven didn’t try to play Twister with my calves, nor did he try and clean his gums on my toes. Instead he flopped down in the middle of the kitchen floor and started to cry. (I too, have done the same thing on a few occasions, so I didn’t make too much out of it) Then he spread eagle and began licking himself. (I too…. Err… never mind) 

I figured this must be a new ploy to get my attention, (and a highly effective one that that) so I just skipped right to picking him up for kitty love time. However, kitty love time was clearly the farthest thing from Seven’s tormented mind. He howled out his protest and promptly smacked me across the face Scarlet O’Hara style.

That’s when I, not unlike Rhett, was astonished to realize that my affection was not the object of desire. I put Seven down and he repeated the same pattern. He flopped down on the floor and cried, then he spread eagle and licked himself.

“Uh-oh! Do I have to call the vet?” I asked Seven, to which he replied with a long mournful meow.

“Ok, fine. I’ll call Sparrow instead and see if she has any advice,” I told him.

At the mention of her name he fled. (For some strange reason, that cat really hates her.)

A few minutes later, I had Sparrow on the phone and my mouth was gaping at the advice she was giving.

“You want me to do WHAT???”

“It’s no big deal, just massage his penis and it might dislodge any urine crystals he might have.”

“You want me to rub my cat’s pecker?” I asked astonished. 

“Well, you asked for my advice,” Sparrow stated indignantly.

I hung up the phone. Seven stood eye-balling me uneasily from across the room. We had one of those old-fashioned cowboy stand-offs, where each of us stood silently sizing up our opponent. In those moments, I tried to rationalize a way out of the situation. Maybe Seven was just experiencing phantom pains from where his kitty balls used to be?? Maybe he just ate a bad spider or something??

Finally, Seven, caved. He flopped to the floor crying, spread-eagle, and licked. I knew I had to end his pain.

I grabbed a towel. I couldn’t believe I was going to do this.

“Here, kitty, kitty…”

Moments later, I had Seven bundled in a towel, spread-eagle on my lap. I applied a warm face cloth to his little kitty pecker and he growled at me. The growl was reminiscent of that cat in Pet Cemetery that comes back from the dead processed with an evil spirit. 

I massaged his pecker with a face cloth for a few minutes (because I really could not bring myself to actually touch it with my hand for fear of feeling like a kitty pedophile) and he continued to loudly voice his dissatisfaction with the situation.

I worried about him all day at work, and even felt guilty enough for violating his cathood, that on the way home I stopped to buy him some tuna fish.

When I got home, Seven, greeted me in his usual fashion. He twined himself between my legs and purred out his gratitude for the pecker massage, which had clearly left him feeling much better.

Thanks Sparrow, your advice as unorthodox as it may have been, really turned the trick!

Phases and Reflections

Today marks the day of what would be my second wedding anniversary with Minute Man. Sangria Smiles said it best when she said “it’s all about phases”.  Lately, I’ve been in a reflective phase. My heart isn’t into dating anymore and I’ve resigned to reflective solitude.

Not So Simply Single said it best when she said I should take time to grieve and then just go out and f*** somebody. I took that advice, but not exactly in that order. Now that I’ve F****** somebody, some immature part of me thinks the “score is settled” and now I can allow myself to be sad about the daughter (she was really my step-daughter, but I loved her like she was my own) and husband that I have lost. 

Reflectively, I have realized that I loved Minute Man and Girl Child far more than I ever thought. I naively thought that there was one, and only one, man that I would love more than any other. I was wrong about that. I love Minute Man more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I look at both men now and see them as night and day.

One is struggling in life, but maintains an indestructibly positive attitude. The other has succeeded in every area life, but displays a bitterly negative attitude. Honestly, I would rather be with a man who has nothing that is enhanced by a positive attitude, rather than a man who has everything that is diminished by a negative attitude. Because really, no matter what cards life deals you, isn’t attitude the only thing that makes the difference between a good hand and a bad hand? 

I suppose all that is neither here nor there though. I didn’t leave Minute Man because of his attitude or his position in life. I left him because he (in my eyes) walked out on our marriage during a time that I felt I was successfully making the hardest sacrifices a wife could ever be asked to make. How does a man walk out on his woman when she’s doing nothing more than standing by his side through the hardest battle of his life when nobody else would?? Bah! But at some point the reflection stops… and the memory of how unhappy I was takes hold and I push forward because somewhere, deep down, I was prepared for him to break my heart.  

However that still leaves Girl Child because, deep down, I could never have been prepared for the impact she would leave on my heart.  I tried to prepare for the possibility of losing her by setting boundaries. I always thought that there was a limit to how far into my heart I would let her. 

I did this because a more realistic part of me knew there was a chance that Minute Man might not last forever, and at that point, I wouldn’t face losing just him. I would lose her too. 

I can’t have children of my own, so losing her might mean losing my only chance of knowing the love between mother and child. And let’s get real, who the hell wants to ever risk something of that magnitude?  So, I did my best to love her from a distance.  

I realize now, if I had succeeded at that, I would not have kept one of her stuffed animals when she left. I realize now, if I had succeeded, her pictures would not still be hanging above the fireplace. I realize now, if I had succeeded, I would not be fighting back tears as I type these words.

However, that too, is neither here not there, and I cannot dwell on what I have lost, but only on what I will do with what is left.
  
Through it all, what is left is me. In fact, I am a stronger version of me than which existed five years ago. This wiser version will learn from her mistakes and rebuild from ground zero, smarter and better prepared for the next time she is foolish enough to give her heart away to a man - and his child. 

I’m willing to bet in five years from now, I might be reflecting again on the loves of my life and realize that neither of these men were right for me because I will have met the one that makes both men pale in comparison. I’m willing to bet this because, reflectively, each time I fall in love, it is deeper and more powerful than the last.

So here’s to phases and reflections! May the information glaring back at us be used in preparation for creating a brighter future.