Taking Chances

I was worried, as I imagine some women are after they sleep with a man for the first time, if and how it was going to change our relationship. Would he ever want to talk to me again? Did he consider that mission accomplished? If not, would he still make romantic gestures?

So many times in my past experience once a man has either gotten me into bed, or gotten me to fall in love with him, or worse yet, gotten my hand in marriage, all romantic efforts on his part cease. I once had a boyfriend tell me that he didn’t make romantic gestures anymore because he “already wooed me and got me”. WTF?  

Therefore, when Trail Blazer appeared on my doorstep Wednesday with a bottle of wine and a half a dozen roses, I was pleasantly surprised.

It’s not only the material gestures that he makes that impress me. I was also sincerely touched when he started educating himself on subjects that interest me. For instance, he told me that he looked up some information on astrology after a conversation we had because he found it interesting. He also downloaded a Mazzy Star album after hearing it at my house. I like that he takes note in the things I find interesting and expands his knowledge around them.

The other thing I really like about Trail Blazer is he is very supportive of my writing goals. I told him about a couple of stories I wrote and he seemed sincerely impressed. I can tell when people just aren’t interested in my writing projects. This guy got excited about it, and his enthusiasm got me excited about it all over again. In fact, his passionate reaction to my little hobby pushed me to do something I never thought I would do. I pulled some projects off the back burners and started working on them again!

As fate would have it, I was talking with some guests that frequent the hotel. They are super friendly and like to chat. I was chatting with them and in conversation I mentioned that I was polishing up an old children’s story I wrote. The man’s eyes lit up with interest and when I gave him a synopsis he asked if he could read it. I was bashful at first, but I did end up leaving him a copy of the manuscript. Turns out he loved it – and he asked if I would like him to show it to an editor he knows!!

I’m trying not to get too excited about it. I’m just proud of myself for putting it out there. But man, will I be pissed if I see it in the book stores with somebody else’s name on it a year from now!

I guess in a lot of ways, the view I’m taking on the book is the same view I am taking with Trail Blazer. I’m keeping my expectations low and just being proud for having enough courage to put myself out there.

I was talking to some friends last night and telling them for the first time about Trail Blazer. They were very excited because this is the first guy they have heard me talk about since my break from Minute Man.

One of the women I was talking to is actually a marriage counselor and she had some really sound advice that sort of echoed some of my reader comments. She said, it doesn’t matter if this guy ends up being “the one” or not. What really matters is that I’m getting back out there and learning the ropes again. She said it takes a lot, after the things I’ve been through, to give somebody else a chance and that alone was amazing.

It reminded me of a comment by GunDiva that I liked. She said don’t look at every guy as the next potential relationship, but rather just take them as they come. So this is what I am doing. I’m just opening myself up to possibility, keeping expectations low and learning the ropes of dating again – with a guy I find very likeable.

Emotionally Connection = Penis Pleasure

My first overnight with Trail Blazer proved to be an unexpected surprise and a real eye opener.

We arrived in the White Mountains Friday night. It was dark and stormy, but we decided to venture out, despite the dismal weather, and explore North Conway. We found a booth in a small and intimate pub and enjoyed wine and appetizers at our leisure.

As the night waned on, the wine made me us giddy and Trail Blazer started to open up to me. He shared some personal information and when he did I realized that this was the missing piece of the puzzle. This is what I had been needing from him. 

I need to make an emotional connection with somebody to open up physically to them, because, to me, sex without emotion is meaningless and empty. I know many people that feel differently about that and I frequently sometimes wish I was one of them, but I’m not.

So when Trail Blazer told me about his thirteen year relationship and divorce from this woman that he had loved, it generated an immediate response from my vagina heart.

I suggested we go back to our hotel room where I secretly plotted to strategically remove his clothing, get intimately acquainted with his pecker, and make him mine.

We entered our room and looked awkwardly for a moment at the two beds in front of us. Then I “mouth-raped” him (thank you, Pickelope, for that colorful phrase) and shoved him down on the mattress and tongued his face some more.

Before I knew it, we were in the throws of passion. Clothes were being hastily discarded. Shoes were thrown, hair was pulled, and limbs became entangled.

This went on for QUITE SOME TIME. At one point, we actually rolled off the mattress and took to the floor. It was AMAZING and I have the rug burns to prove it. 

The next morning, he slowly brought me into wakefulness by caressing my body thoughtfully with his hands. I found this to be a far more pleasant prelude to morning sex than being poked repeatedly in the ass with a boner. I offered my thanks generously and we repeated a more pacified version of the events that took place the night before.

We dozed lazily in each others arms, before rolling out of bed and starting our adventures.

We stopped at a local diner for an amazing breakfast. The home fries that came with my omelet were the best I’ve ever eaten. They were like potato skin fries, only miniature. Amazing.

From there, we went hiking around Echo Lake and we even attempted to climb Cathedral Ledge. It was an unplanned excursion, but when I saw the ledge I was inspired.

The ledge consisted of a series of steep inclines, each one becoming more challenging than the last. When we reached a makeshift ladder running up the side of the ledge, it quickly became apparent to us that we were not mental or physically prepared for such a venture.

Until that point, I had been the one pushing to go forward with the climb, but seeing that ladder was enough to make me lose my nerve. When I called it quits, the relief on Trail Blazer’s face could not be disguised.  

We went back to the lake and basked in the sun for a while before packing it up and returning to town for some serious shopping.

All in all it was a great trip that ended up bringing us closer together, physically AND emotionally.

Sex Deal Breaker

I just got home from date number eight with Trail Blazer! No single man has made it past date number five since I’ve been divorced!! So yeah, a part of me is pretty excited about this. The analytical part of me has something different to say though. 

I haven’t slept with him. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one wondering why. He’s the first guy to come along to show potential and yet I find myself holding back.

On date number six, I had him over for a little cook out with some of my friends. Sparrow didn’t really like him, but then again she can be a lot like a parent that doesn’t think anybody will ever be good enough for their baby. (Sorry, Sparrow. I don’t blame you for being overprotective of me given everything we’ve been through.) Everyone else said he was polite, cute, and attentive.

When we were left alone by the fire, I took a seat in his lap and gave him the green light. He responded warmly and very quickly, moving his hand under my blouse while we shared a passionate kiss.

At the end of the night he made it clear he wanted to stay, but I bid him off with another kiss and a pat on the ass. 

On date number seven, I invited him to the beach. I wore my Miss America bikini and was looking forward to seeing some skin other than my own. However Trail Blazer showed up in jeans and a tee-shirt. WTF?? Who does that??

Afterwards, we hit had dinner on the patio of a beachside restaurant. From there we hit the arcade and played air hockey and ski ball. Then we went for a stroll through the park and stopped to listen to a band playing oldies in the gazebo. It really was an awesome time.

During dinner I tried to open up a little about some of my divorce and hoped that he would reciprocate with giving me a little information about his divorce. I wasn’t looking to give or get and of the gory details, but I was looking for at least how long it had been since he was divorced and how he felt about it. You know, basics. However, I was met with a brick wall. He gave me nothing. Then again, I didn’t ask any direct questions. I was just hoping for volunteered information. (Note to self: Rethink your approach with obtaining personal information) 

At the end of date number eight, Trail Blazer asked if I would like to get away for the weekend. I suggested going to the White Mountains in New Hampshire because it is one of my favorite places to visit.  He agreed and it was settled. We are going to spend the night together this Friday, but that does not mean he is getting lucky! Ok, who am I trying to fool? It absolutely means he is getting lucky!

Honestly, I see no other way around it. This guy is sweet, successful, attentive and attractive. Everything in my brain is saying I should make him mine. The problem is, my heart is saying something different and I’m not sure exactly why. Is it because I’m really not into him or is it because my heart was damaged worse than I thought?

I’ve been hurt before in past relationships, but it has never taken me this long to bounce back. I’m starting to worry that it is not him, but instead it’s me. It’s been one year and I haven’t let anybody close to my heart. I’m starting to wonder if what was broken inside of me needs more repair or if I just haven’t met the right guy.

I figure the one way to get to the bottom of it is to take things to the next level with Trail Blazer and find out. It’s definitely come down to a sex deal breaker. If we make love and it’s great, then I will know I’m into him and I’m ready for a relationship. If we make love and my heart still feels empty, then I’m going to close the doors to dating again for a while. At the very least, I get my pipes cleaned and we both go home happy!!

Trail Blazer: Still in the Game...

For the first time in my life I feel completely inadequate in the dating scene. I’ve been divorced for seven months now and alone for even longer. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without being in a relationship and honestly I have to admit I don’t know what the hell I’m doing out there!! 

I have moments when I’m really enjoying being completely independent. I also have moments when I think it bites the big one.

One of the best benefits of being single is if I want to drink a bottle of wine and call it dinner, then nobody is there is shoot me questioning looks from across the room. 

 
I don’t have to worry about being seen engaging in unattractive activities like standing naked in front of the fridge while I drain a bottle of chocolate syrup down my throat and not bothering to wipe the evidence off my face. I can use ALL of the hot water whenever I want. I am free to go to the club and grind up against any strange men I please. (And trust me they are always pleased) I can wear that white see through dress outside without somebody trying to insist I wear a parka over it.

However, there are times I miss the benefits of having a significant other. I miss rolling over in the middle of the night and finding a warm body to curl up against. 

 
I miss snuggling on the couch, being greeted with a warm kiss when I come home, having somebody to talk to about problems at work. The one thing that I miss the most though is when something really hurts my heart and there is somebody there to wrap their arms around me and tell me everything is going to be alright.  
 
The reason I find myself reviewing this aspect of my life is because there is a slight possibility that I may be about to let somebody else into it, and that leaves me feeling very uncertain.
 
I’m not entirely sure yet, but Trail Blazer may have more potential than I initially thought. The guy doesn’t miss a beat. He does everything right. He says all the right things at all the right times. He is doing so well, that tomorrow we will be moving into date number six!!
 
We had a near disaster between date number three and date number four when I accidentally sent him a text that was meant for my hotel amenity supplier who shares the same name.
 
I mixed up the names and thinking it was my vendor, I sent my date the following text message:

“Help! I desperately need toilet paper!”

  
Trail Blazer, who I still thought was my vendor, replied: “LOL! Is this for home or the hotel or are you stuck on the pot?”
 
Me: “Quit joking around! I need you to bring me some toilet paper right away please!!”
 
Trail Blazer: “You still didn’t answer my question though…”
 
Then my vendor called me and said that he had gotten my message (I also called him and left an urgent request for the aforementioned toilet paper) I sent another text to Trail Blazer still thinking it was my vendor.
 
“I got your message! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
 
Trail Blazer: “Um ok. So are you going to hang out with me tonight?”
 
Me: “Why would we be hanging out? I just need toilet paper!”
 
Then my vendor sent me a text telling me the estimated time of arrival on the toilet paper. That’s when the light bulb came on and I realized that I had been demanding toilet paper from my suitor.  I immediately called Trail Blazer and explained what happened and assured him that I still wanted to hang out. He was very understanding – once he got done laughing.

I invited him to my place for date number four. I made nachos and rented a movie. He showed up with flowers and a bottle of wine. I wore a booby dress and he did not fail to notice, but only respectfully commented that he liked what I was wearing. 

We snuggled on the couch and when I slid my arm across his stomach, I found myself wondering with fond curiosity what he looked like with his shirt off.
 
However, when he kissed me good night it seemed awkward. It was like he was being gentle or something. It was like we were kind of making out but not 100 percent there. I dunno exactly what it was, but it became very apparent to me that this was not the type of guy I usually date. 

The guys I usually date would have grabbed my ass and propped me up on the counter top at the first sign of my tongue in their mouth – but not Trail Blazer, not even a little. WTF? 

I made up my mind right then that there was not going to be another date. That night I started having second thoughts though (as I often do) and started viewing it in a different manner. 

The guys I usually date are the biggest toughest most sexually charged bulk of muscles on the block. They are also usually the most self-centered and emotionally stunted individuals that leave me feeling unfulfilled and neglected. I concluded the fact that this guy is not the type of guy I usually date could be a good thing.  So I decided to give it one more try, even though I was still feeling doubtful. (Let's not underestimate the importance of a good kiss!)

Trail Blazer suggested dinner and mini golf for date number five. I met him at a local restaurant and we chatted over dinner. (I drank iced coffee and suggested he had a margarita so that I could impair his mini golf skills and take the lead. It’s true I am a cool calculating bitch who doesn’t take competition lightly.)

Over dinner Trail Blazer talked about a friend of his that was a police officer. He told me about how this friend would always play rough with him when they were kids. Trail Blazer said he often went home limping with a bruised ego because his friend was tougher than him, but he never took it personally because he knew that was just his friend’s personality.

Normally, I would have snickered and called him a wussy under my breath. Instead, I found myself revisiting those thoughts about the type of guy I am usually attracted to and I began to feel a little guilty when I realized that Trail Blazer’s cocky friend is exactly the type of guy I would have dated a few years ago. I no longer felt like snickering, but instead I began empathizing with Trail Blazer. I was even a little turned on that he would be secure enough to share that with me. 

This guy wasn’t hiding behind a false facade of macho bull-shit. He didn’t have to pretend to be tough to impress me, because being secure enough to expose his weakness was a far braver act than any of the macho moves I have been subjected to in the past.
 
Plus, I knew all too well what it felt like to be bullied. That didn’t mean though that I wasn’t totally going to kick his ass in mini golf!
 

Our game of mini golf was really fun! We exchanged friendly competitive banter. I may or may not have called him a sissy for moving his ball out of the bushes. He may or may not have unjustly accused me of trying to sabotage his game with my feminine wiles. We also established a comradely exchange. I gave him some advice on a few difficult shots and he thanked me with a few friendly pats on my bottom.


Although he kept score, he did not tally up the points on the card at the end of the game. Instead he insisted that I won and I jokingly agreed. I also then admitted I thought the game had been pretty close and it was probably a tie.
 
On the way home, I found myself venting to him about a problem I had at work where I felt unfairly treated. I stopped myself abruptly when I realized I was getting intense. Trail Blazer just looked at me and said, “Do you want to talk about this?”
 
I thought he was joking and attempted to laugh it off, but he looked at me more intently and I knew that he wasn’t joking. I quickly realized that I did want to talk about it, but wasn’t ready to open up to him. Instead, I changed the subject by telling him that I had a good time and gave him a kiss good night. (Another nicey-nice lame-o-kiss)
 

 
When I got home the first thing I did was tally up the point on the score card. (What? Stop judging me. You would have done the same thing!) I was a little surprised to see that it actually was a tie! Maybe I had actually found somebody on the same playing level as me? Maybe in more ways than one...

What I did next could not have been avoided.
 
I sent him a text: “I tallied up the score and it really was a tie! You know what that means, right?”
 
Trail Blazer: “Wow, really? No, what does it mean?”
 
Me: “It means you golf like a girl.”
 
What? I already told you I was a cool calculating bitch.
 
Last night he referred to me as "his girl" and well, I sort of liked it. It’s been a long while since I was somebody’s girl and I’m starting to think it’s a position I might be ready to fill.
 
I’m just having a hard time with adapting to the idea of dating a guy that is so completely opposite of any guy I’ve ever dated before. The way I see it, there’s only one thing left for me to do – introduce him to the gang and see if he can win their approval.