The Littlest Pee Cup

As most of you have heard, I’ve found a fella that makes me very happy. It’s been just over two months and we’ve decided to take our first serious step. STD testing!!!

Enter smut alert here….

We’ve been using a condom. I’m fairly certain my vagina is disease-free and I very much would like to keep it that way. However, there are those one or two times that I may have made my vagina vulnerable to a man with a less than honorable reputation. I’m serious! It was just two times!! So stop judging me. Okay, it was three - now shut the front door!!

Anyways, the subject came up that we would like to remove the third-party condom from our sexual encounters. My answer to that was, before I let him stick me with his filthy prick, (I may be paraphrasing here) I wanted to see a clean bill of health and I, in return, would show him the same.

He agreed because the thought of unrestricted access to my glistening pool of lust was more than he could bear. That and the thought of him filling my insides with his powerful steamy man juice made my loins quiver uncontrollably.

However, I digress. The point is we wanted to lose the condom without throwing caution to the wind. So we acted like responsible adults and got our blood (and urine) tested for every STD known to mankind.

Before I got tested my doctor gave me a physical exam because it was that time of the year anyways. Is it wrong that I beamed when she said I had a healthy looking vagina?

Having passed my physical with flying colors, I entered the waiting room with confidence and pride swelling in my heart for my healthy looking vagina.

So there I was waiting patiently in the doctor’s office when I noticed my heart isn’t the only organ in my body swelling. I became increasingly aware that my bladder was so full if my dam broke, Christians would think God broke his promise and unleashed another Great Flood.

I tried entertaining myself with visions of the other patients in the waiting room getting swept away in my unholy yellow sea. That only worked for twenty minutes or so. (It was quite a detailed fantasy where women and children had to seek refuge in the tree tops)

Finally, I danced over to the reception desk and explained that if they wanted a sample, it was now or never.

Finally, finally they hand me the cup. You know, the cup about the size of a quarter? I don’t understand. They make you wait for an hour all the while pumping you full of fluids and then they hand you a cup fit for Smurfs?

Surely, this must be a cruel joke. I would have given that nurse my best fiery glare but time was of essence. I snatched the cup and ran for the bathroom. I was sure I could hear their laughter trailing behind me. Their mocking voices echoed in my head:

“Did you see the look on her face when we handed her that mini cup?”

“She sure is going to have a fun time in there!”

“Now we’ll see just how good her bladder control really is!”

Inside the bathroom I hovered over the tiny cup, praying that it would not overflow. I gave a short blast into the cup and then peered inside. Although it felt significant, the amount of urine I released was laughable. So I gave it another power blast and peered down between my legs once again. This went on through several more painful attempts, until finally, I had a reasonable amount of urine in my cup.

At last I was able to really open up the flood gates. I set the cup aside and unleashed, thinking all the while what would have happened if I couldn’t have stopped myself.

Yick!

That’s when I hatched my great urine cup franchise scheme. This vision had me sitting in a booth outside the waiting room selling giant sized pee cups. I imagined all the big and beautiful ladies pushing the smaller ones out of the way, so they could be the first to purchase their oversized pee cup.

That's not what I meant, and you know it!

I saw myself getting rich, starting giant pee cup chains. I saw myself making donations to certain organization, which eventually led to world peace. (This vision may or may not have seen me in a parade wearing a tiara.)

I emerged from the pee closet wearing a triumphant smile. It’s going to take more than a mini pee cup to bring this girl down!!

I smiled through the entire three tubes of blood that were drawn from my arm, thinking all the while that soon I would be on my way to unencumbered sexual encounters with my new boyfriend. (Or heavy doses of penicillin)

I love happy endings, don’t you?

Falling into a Brighter Future

It’s a dreary fall evening. I’m bundled up in a fleece lined hoodie, watching my enormous black cat watch the world churning outside with enormous green cat eyes.

The house is quiet. My room mate is some place away from here. It’s just me and my thoughts and my glass of wine… Oh beloved wine!!! How the world taste better with you by my side!!

The conditions could not be better to return to blogging after my short interruption in routine writing.

Sadly, I realize that I don’t need my blog anymore. Or perhaps, it’s better to say it serves a different purpose now. Eighteen months ago, I used it as a sounding board to the injustices I felt in my life. In doing so, I hoped that the violators of justice would hear my cry and change their wicked ways. Instead, I found a small army of people that showed me injustices rarely cease to exist, but rather it’s our approach to these injustices that create the change we want to see in our lives.

My head spins when I think about the changes I’ve seen in the last year. It spins faster when I think of the changes to come.

I still see ghosts of the past now again. For instance this morning, I thought of what it would be like to have one last day with Girl Child. I imagined she was there in the kitchen with me as I bustled around, making her lunch, instead of mine, while I gathered items for work. I could hear her small hopeful voice asking if we could stop at Aroma Joe’s before I dropped her off at school. I heard an echo of my own voice saying, sure thing kiddo, sure thing.

Those moments are becoming farther and fewer in between. Those ghosts are fading out into the light of a brighter future.

I am still dating Trail Blazer. He is largely to credit for my absence in the blogging world. I have been too busy getting swept off my feet to experience the need to escape into a virtual reality. 



I think I may be sweeping him off his feet too. The other day he sent me a text of this picture he doodled on a post it at work:

Here in this world, there are no injustices to run away from. There are only good feelings and good times. 

Last night Trail Blazer appeared on my door step with home made chicken noodle soup because the previous night I had told him I felt like I was coming down with something. He also produced a movie and a bottle of wine.

It’s true, ladies of dating despair, there are still good guys out there!! They exist and they are very much ALIVE!!  

Every time I start to think I might be falling for him too, I stop myself. I remind myself that it is not a race to the finish line. Nothing needs to be labeled. I just need to Stop and enjoy this for what it is - and what it is, is wonderful.