Wordy Wednesday: Seagull Management

After a painfully long absence, I have decided to bring back my edition of Wordy Wednesday, featuring newly released slang from Urban Dictionary. First, I select words and phrases from the recently released list on Urban Dictionary, I rate them, and then use them in an intricately woven story, starring my most popular followers. (Popular meaning those who comment most frequently on my posts)

Seagull Management – The seagull manager flies in makes a lot of noise, craps on everything then flies off again leaving a big mess behind. 

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up
My Rating: Thumbs Up

I loved this (probably because I work at a seaside resort) and will most definitely add it to my daily vocabulary. Luckily, we don’t have a lot of seagull management situations at my work!

Floor sample – food that has fallen to the floor that you pick up and eat anyway 

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up
My Rating: Thumbs Up

Finally there is another witty comment, other than shouting “5 second rule!” to hide our embarrassment over eating food off the floor. The need for this addition to our vocabulary couldn’t be more warranted. 

Synergism – expressing oneself using several business buzzwords in rapid succession 

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up
My Rating: Thumbs Down

I have but one word to sum up my opinion of this word: lameism. Nothing about this works. 

Drycember – the act of abstaining from masturbation during the month of December 

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Down
My Rating: Thumbs Down

I guess this is supposed to be a spin on No Shave November? I actually liked No Shave November because it is fitting to the time of year where finally gals don’t feel obligated to shave their legs every single day and guys need a little extra warmth. 

Drycember though? First of all there is nothing even remotely funny about abstaining from masturbation. That’s like saying all the little orphans don’t need winter coats this year. Second of all, dry as a prefix to me would imply sober not abstinence and that’s not funny either. Fail.  

Mitt Romney Money – One that has money beyond that of a normal baller yet pays fewer taxes than a street pharmaceutical rep or an illegal immigrant.

Urban Dictionary Rating: Thumbs Up
My Rating: Thumbs Up

Love it! At first I was a little unsure if I loved it or not because I really didn’t know what “baller” meant. After I looked it up though, I knew it was a winner!! Baller:  “a thug that has made it to the big time. Originally referred to ball players that made it out of the streets to make millions as a pro ball player, but now used to describe any thug that is living large”  Romney totally is a thug living large in my book!

Weaving the Words….

The season was deep in the clutches of Drycember and Coffey’s balls had receded almost entirely into his lower torso as a direct result of neglect. Really, his only joy since refraining from slapping his salami was working at Burger Joint. 

Coffey was on his mid-shift break at the Burger Joint, when he spotted his boss, Pickelope, pulling into the parking lot in a new Mercedes. 

“Another car?” Coffey’s co-worker, LG Keltner commented as they watched Pickelope swagger across the parking lot. 

“Yep. The dude has got the Mitt Romney Money,” said Coffey. 

As soon as Pickelope entered the door a slew of synergism spilled out of his mouth.  

“Hey Coffey, can you give me a ballpark figure of the how many different analytics were used to find the bandwidth in our business-to-consumer ratio used for our core competency website?” Pickelope asked while shaking one hairy eyebrow in Coffey’s general direction. 

“Thirty-six,” said Coffey, pulling a random number from thin air.

“Precisely what I concluded,” agreed Pickelope. “Coffey make me a double jerkface burger to go! After that, reverse direction of the serving line and add spaghetti to the menu.” 

“We don’t have spaghetti. This is Burger Joint,” LG Keltner pointed out. 

“Drink the Kool-Aid LG and run to the store for the supplies,” directed Pickelope. 

“Drink the Kool-Aid?” LG asked Coffey. 

“It’s a business buzz phrase that means trust the things offered by authority figures,” Coffey explained. “It’s often used during extreme episodes of seagull management.”

“This guy is a douche bag,” said LG.

“Don’t worry bean sprout,” said Coffey. “His lunch is going to be a floor sample.” 

Official Disclaimer: Coffey’s balls are fucking huge in real life and while Pickelope is without question living large, he is not a douche bag.

Passion

I feel your eyes before your presence is detected
Moving toward me from across the shadows
Crescents of light wrapped around silhouetted muscles
Your eyes possessed by desire linger
My skin aches under the pressure of your scrutiny
Magnetic force curls my flesh into yours
The smell of passion presses its need to awareness 

The Level of Awkward

Now some of you may be wondering, what is the level of awkwardness after sleeping with one’s sexy, but hopelessly scattered, house mate? I’m pleased to inform you, it’s not that bad! In fact, if you find yourself in a similar situation, I would recommend doing it!! 

Sure, there are those moments when he still professes his undying love for me, but it’s totally in a very matter-of-factly manner that doesn’t come with any expectation or even delusional anticipations of those feelings ever being even remotely returned. 

The first week was the worst, especially after receiving the following text while reading in my bedroom one night: 

“I just want to be friends with you, give you body work and perform oral sex on you occasionally because you have the prettiest pussy I've ever seen.”

Wait, WHAT??!! Oh no, he didn’t!!! 

I spelled it our very clearly for him that although, I did look forward to a continued friendship with him, I would NEVER be physical intimate with him again. I followed up that statement by bringing somebody home a few nights later just to drive the point home. 

He said that he “couldn’t have thought of a better execution for his manhood, but that he would love both of us in the spirit of a true Buda student for the sake of the universe and the time change continuum.” 

Poor kid, really took it like a champ, if I do have to say so myself.

The thing I like about The Lumberjack is that he is very easy to talk to. I’ve learned in life that not everybody is easy to talk to. I used to think that if I person is your husband or your best friend then they are automatically the people that you disclose everything to. Not so! Sometimes it is just a common acquaintance or friend that is the easiest person to express your feelings to. 

I’ve disclosed a lot of personal stuff to The Lumberjack. Stuff I don’t usually tell boyfriends. For instance, I talk to him about Minute Man and every once in a while The Lumberjack will have a very insightful comment that will make me think about something I haven’t considered before. 

Case in point, I think I may have described Minute Man to The Lumberjack as “an intricate mess of good guy and bad guy, so tightly woven that you cannot tell where one begins and the other ends.” Then The Lumberjack asked me, “Do you think it was the primitive asshole in Minute Man that you were attracted to?” 

I have to confess, he may have been onto something there. After some serious consideration, I agreed to a certain point that my attraction to Minute Man was indeed on a very primitive level. 

I answered, “The attraction was primitive in the way that Minute Man was the ultimate hunter and provider. I fell in love with the sense of security and family that he provided. I wanted to be part of something that would never fall apart and he made me believe that was possible. However, I see now that I was chasing the white unicorn on that one. ”

“You don’t believe in forever?” The Lumberjack asked.

The words stung in a way he could not have known they would.

“I used to,” I answered and was a little surprised at the honesty behind the it.  

So even though we are not compatible in a romantic way, there is still a very redeemable ease in The Lumberjack that isn’t found every day, and I’m glad he’s still around.  

However, there is still this pesky little matter of him believing that he has fallen in love with me. Knowing that makes me feel badly, as I completely did not intend for that to happen. 

Yes Pickelope, I’m pretty sure it was the Harry Potter pussy that did this poor kid in as well!! What can I say? I’m actually starting to believe my vagina truly is magical, enchanting any poor mortal that should enter its mystical forest.